Blog entry for:

it really is amazing when the just for today reading pegs me so well. i know that wehen i came to the rooms i thought i had an excellent grasp on what was going on around me and inside of me and my favorite retort when anyone offered a suggestion was ‘FVCK OFF!’ i later came to learn is that when an addict says that what they really mean is ‘YEAH, YOU ARE RIGHT!’ so even way back then i was in denial about what i thought i knew and what i actually knew, which by the way as jack, especially about who and what i am.
these days i have more knowledge about who i am, but as this journey of discovery progresses i seem to have more questions than answers, and am less sure of the way things go. which brings me back to the topic at hand. there was once a day after my ‘FO’ period when i did what ever i was told without question, because i felt the desperation i had been denying for so long. i was willing and open-minded but not honest at least in this respect. i was afraid that if i did not blindly follow suggestions i was doomed to a life of active addiction. i was still pissed at being in the program but fear and desperation were stronger than my anger. as i came to accept that there was only one way for me to become more of the person i have always wanted to be the anger faded and i was firmly entrenched in the rooms, thank GOD! i begin to ask questions so i could better understand and pass my gift on and my questions were of the ‘HOW’ variety suggested in the reading.
time has passed and i have several days of continuous clean time and some recovery and i would love to honestly say that all i ask is the ‘HOW’ questions today. the truth is i actually ask a few ‘WHY’ questions when offered suggestions from my peers in recovery and my sponsor. and you what the answer i am almost always give is?
"BECAUSE IT WORKED FOR ME!"
and as unsatisfying as that answer is to me some days i know that the truth is that because it worked for them it just may work for me, so i shut-up, stop my rebellion over this particular suggestion and open my mind to the possibility that i may like the results. and for me, right here and right now that is knowledge enough to go on! so when I am having a fit of know-it-allism, i can remember that i do not know how to live a life of recovery without the loving guidance of the fellowship that gave me this wonderful new life and it is truly amazing and wonderful today!
∞ DT ∞