๐ ignoring all ๐
Posted: Wed, Aug 7, 2019 10:23:26 AM
that is good in my life, allowing my perceptions of what is not, to overshadow everything else. as a cynic, one who is used to seeing the storm clouds on the horizon, regardless of how perfect the weather may be at this minute, i tend to see what is less than ideal in my life. this is not going to be some sort of apologetic screed, castigating myself for being what some of my peers may call “negative,” nor will i gush over all the “positive” aspects of my life to provide some sort of balance. the fact is, i am a cynic. the fact is i am in recovery. the fact is, that recovery has given me a life beyond my most of my drug-induced fantasies. the fact is, i am grateful for all that i have, even if there is still more that i want. DESIRE is a harsh mistress and when coupled with addiction produces more than enough angst and chaos in my life, to the point of seemingly being oblivious to where i am in life.
this morning after 8000 days in a row clean, i am grateful for the life i have been given. it seems that my strategy of sharing sporadically with my cynical twist is attractive to a couple of newcomers, as i have added two sponsees in the past few weeks. not being the type who chases down the newest of the new, the fact that all of a sudden what i have to give is something someone else wants, amazes the living crap out of me. before i go on, i also need to take a bit of a brisk stroll around the neighborhood. who knows what will be revealed in my sweaty workout.
what came to me, as i “tripped the light fantastic” around my neighborhood, is the one thing that i take for granted in my life, really has very little to do with addiction and recovery. that one thing is an accident of birth and a legacy i often forget i possess. i was born in the late 50's as a white male and the world i was born into was one of privilege and excess. the thought occurred to me as to how safe i would feel if i was black, walking through my neighborhood, or if i was female, walking on the path between the houses, where there are no witnesses. being a member of the “baby-boomer” generation, means that for the most part, i was only limited by myself on how far i could go. i never had to work three McJobs to pay my rent. i was allowed to fall down and hurt myself when i attempted to ride my bike for the first time. i was taught from the get go, that life is not fair and that the American Dream of being better off than my parents as not something i was entitled to, rather something i could achieve.
realizing what i have in this respect, is really quite disturbing. it is disturbing because i forget the “boost” i got by just being born and in this day and age, when others live in FEAR of losing what they believe they are entitled to, i am starting to feel grateful for what i have. moving forward into this day, i can carry a bit of gratitude with me, as i am not a “victim” of active addiction anymore and i GET to saty clean for my 8001st day in a row.
this morning after 8000 days in a row clean, i am grateful for the life i have been given. it seems that my strategy of sharing sporadically with my cynical twist is attractive to a couple of newcomers, as i have added two sponsees in the past few weeks. not being the type who chases down the newest of the new, the fact that all of a sudden what i have to give is something someone else wants, amazes the living crap out of me. before i go on, i also need to take a bit of a brisk stroll around the neighborhood. who knows what will be revealed in my sweaty workout.
what came to me, as i “tripped the light fantastic” around my neighborhood, is the one thing that i take for granted in my life, really has very little to do with addiction and recovery. that one thing is an accident of birth and a legacy i often forget i possess. i was born in the late 50's as a white male and the world i was born into was one of privilege and excess. the thought occurred to me as to how safe i would feel if i was black, walking through my neighborhood, or if i was female, walking on the path between the houses, where there are no witnesses. being a member of the “baby-boomer” generation, means that for the most part, i was only limited by myself on how far i could go. i never had to work three McJobs to pay my rent. i was allowed to fall down and hurt myself when i attempted to ride my bike for the first time. i was taught from the get go, that life is not fair and that the American Dream of being better off than my parents as not something i was entitled to, rather something i could achieve.
realizing what i have in this respect, is really quite disturbing. it is disturbing because i forget the “boost” i got by just being born and in this day and age, when others live in FEAR of losing what they believe they are entitled to, i am starting to feel grateful for what i have. moving forward into this day, i can carry a bit of gratitude with me, as i am not a “victim” of active addiction anymore and i GET to saty clean for my 8001st day in a row.
∞ DT ∞