Some memes

for most of my life, rejection of any sort was unbearable, even though i told myself i did not really need anyone in my life. my Jedi mind trick was to reject them first, before they had the chance to kick me to the curb. i cannot count the number of friends, lovers, acquaintances, using buddies and peers in recovery, that i treated with such disdain. it is a goo thing that this is not a test and i do not have to come up with a number. i can say without a doubt that it exceeds the number of digits i have attached to my body. with that sort of behavior in my background, it is easy for me to place conditions on my love and learning how to love unconditionally, is turning out to be a lifelong process.
it seems lately i am falling victim to the expectations i am placing on others, especially those with whom i share my recovery. i want to be loving, kind and respectful of those folks and more than ever love them without conditions. i know to arrive in that place, i need to love myself wholeheartedly and unconditionally, but enjoying my semi-retirement, is starting to feel like a guilty pleasure. i did not think i defined myself by what i do and how much bacon i bring home. i am wondering if that was just one of the ways i protected myself with huge dose of denial. sitting here in the cigar store, with very little planned for the rest of the day, i can almost hear the asshole in my head telling me to get the fuck off my ass and find something to bring in some more money. what i am going to do, however, is what i have been doing, job hunting and skill building. neither of those activities are a bad idea and both are advancing my goal of finding a rewarding and well-compensated position. i certainly can love myself if i am not working a nine to five job.
looking back to what i heard this morning, as i dipped into the void, i can see that i am doing better than i think i am. life is not all that bad. i have what i need to get through this day clean. i know that even though i have little desire to do some service this evening, it is the next correct thing to do. i need to remember what started this journey off for me and an hour or so with some addicts who cannot get out to a meeting, will certainly push my limit to love them without conditions or expectations. it is time to be productive and get some stuff done. as this progresses i will remember that i need not be perfect in order to love myself without conditions or expectations.

∞ DT ∞