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to accept my feelings is one of the gifts that i have received since i finally decided to **give up the fight** and accept what is right. yes, i have a full range of human emotions and yes learning to live with them is certainly an ongoing process. once upon a time, i “managed” my feelings and what i remember from my stint in a “professional” treatment facility, was that feelings were something that i need to “deal” with, rather than accept them. i was taught “coping” techniques and when i emerged from that sheltered environment i was no better prepared for the cascade of feeling that early recovery brought on, than i was before i shelled out those thousands of dollars. i really do not blame the counselors there, and have often come to wonder if i misinterpreted what they were trying to teach me. what they might have meant by coping with feelings was what i have learned in the program of recovery, just accept them and let them run their course.
this morning, what i am feeling is a bit of vague anxiety about the days ahead. not sure what i am future-f*cking myself about, but i do know when i left the meeting last night, some of what was shared actually stuck with me. mostly what was on my mind was a bit one of my peers shared about was was available to them all the time and how they felt about having that stuff so close at hand. i make no secret about when i have the notion that using a little bit of something may be a good idea, the something i am thinking about does not have its strength expressed in proof or percentage by volume. it is not the parking lot of a liquor store where one might find my car and the notion of what i might be able to “get away with” feeds that story of maybe just this once. this morning, having put into words what is gnawing inside of me has given me the opportunity to be freed, at least for right now, from entering into an obsessive state. once again, inertia may just keep me clean, just for today and i think i will allow it to do so.

∞ DT ∞