Blog entry for:

or as Groucho Marx once put it, ** I DON*T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER.**
ironically that the place i **feel** the most at home today, was the very place i did my best to stay out of, because i was so f*cking different. i do not regret the effort i put into my attempt to be different, as that was what finally drove me into the fellowship and provided me the means to be something other than an “abstinent addict.” as i shared my experience, strength and hope at the meeting last night, it came to me that i do have some power over addiction. that power is in making a choice and doing what it takes to implement that choice in my daily life. do not get that wrong, my personal power is in the choosing and when i choose, i ask for the power to stay clean from the POWER that fuels my recovery. that separation is clear, i choose then i ask and then i allow that POWER to work in my life. of course, as the cliché goes, the devil is in the details.
this morning i know who and what i am. this morning i know the extent of my personal power. this morning i have made the choice to belong and be a part of, even if i do not make it to a meeting. for the first time in a long time, i have peers reaching out to me, on a daily basis and i am not quite sure how i feel about that. i was a “lone wolf” and there are times when i still feel that way. i want to close down, draw inward and let the world march as it will, without having to witness its progression. my decision to stay home and work in my 'jams was driven by my desire not to interact, face-to-face with my troublesome peer. the problem, as i see it, is this is becoming a pattern two or less days in the office per week, and i am losing touch with the social skills i require to live in the “normal” world. the more i see the “differences” between myself and those i work with, the more i wonder if i really need to ever go into the office. the easier softer way is to just stay home, pump out the loud tunes and work in the cocoon of home.
just for today? well just for today, i accept that the fellowship[ that welcomed me, even as i spurned them, is a part of my life. i welcome that my peers feel safe enough to reach out, even if it is to say have a great day. i am grateful for the direction i am given, even when it is not what i want to hear, and now that my nicotine fast is about to start again, i am sure my peers will support my effort to pass the test. i am a more social version of myself, even when i want to cling to the “island unto myself” image. the truth is, i created that image because i am a social f*cktard. instead of owning that fact and damaging my already low self-worth, creating a persona that was okay being isolated and alone, was the easier, softer way. that is one story that is marked for deletion in this round of steps, that my worth is based on how well i interact with the world around me. this too will be what it will be, as long as i CHOOSE to exercise what little power i do have over the stories i tell myself and ask for the power to move forward from the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞