Blog entry for:

full of junkies was not where i thought i would end up, way back when. that room is where i sit today and what i share with my peers is my desire to find a manner of living that keeps me free from active addiction. as i sit here at work, pounding this little ditty out, i wonder where i might have been, had i been able to break through the delusions of denial, before being forced into abstinence by “legal issues.” after all, as much as i enjoyed getting high, right to the end, it was fairly obvious that i had a “problem,” at least to my friends and acquaintances. in fact, just thinking about those days inspired a GOOGLE search for a few of those people. ironically, even though i found them, i do not think i will chase them down as it has been decades since i spent any time with them. the fact is, nostalgic recall and what it dredges up from the depths is probably not a good place for me to go.
coming back to the here and now, there are certainly times when i “feel” that it is time when i can just let go of all the trappings of recovery and live a life that is joyous, happy and free. i get into the mindset that maybe, just maybe after decades clean, i do not need to keep on doing what i have been doing, even though the rewards of living a program of recovery are inestimable. when those times come barreling down the pike, it is well that i take a look at where my feet are and realize that everything that has changed and become my day-to-day living, could be changed back to the life i once had, legal troubles and all. i may not feel grateful for what i have twenty-four / seven, but i feel it often enough to realize that “getting away” with not doing what i have been doing, is certainly not a risk worth taking.
where does that leave me? in this room full of junkies and grateful that those with whom i share the rooms, “get” me and the crazy thoughts that seem to bubble up from the deep dark depths of my addict brain. i know what i am, an addict who desires recovery today. i know how to get that desire, regardless of what my “wants” may be. all i have to do is keep doing what has brought me this far. the team i play for, is truly the best one for me, as it takes the specificity out of what i am and allows me the freedom to explore ALL the manifestations of addiction that are still present in my life today. just for today, i guess i do belong where i am and i will be grateful that they cannot kick me out! 🤣

∞ DT ∞