Blog entry for:

YES, more than once and for far longer than i needed to, i have had that opinion of myself. recognizing my defects of character is certainly a worth while goal, and more often than not i err on the side of self-deprecation or total denial, very seldomly putting those various character traits into their proper place, it is not as if i walk around like some sort of recovery version of The Penitentes, but i am not a recovery version of Siddhartha either. the reading this morning brought me to a place where i can find a balance between the two modes of how i view myself and reminded me of who is really responsible for living a life of the recovering addict and what that responsibility means.
i am certainly responsible for my recovery today. i am responsible for the choices i make: good, evil or indifferent. i am not responsible for my feelings and as the reading so clearly points out, i am not responsible for removing my character defects. drawing a clear boundary there is something i have more than a bit of trouble with. when i start looking at what i am doing in “real-time,” attempting to avoid the corrective part of STEP 10, i find myself stumbling all over and caught in a Möbius strip sort of loop, never achieving my desire to do exactly the “next right thing” but over fearful of doing the next wrong one. when i get myself into this state of being, i find pausing and taking a cold hard look at the reality of “right now” usually indicates i have once again crossed into what i need to give to the POWER that fuels my recovery.
letting go of all of this and moving into my day, i think the time has come to get a few miles in, between the less than desirable wintry weather outside. as i suggested to one of the men who call me their sponsor last night, i NEED to take care of myself, at least those aspects of self that i can care for, as no one or nothing else will do so. sure i have a HIGHER POWER in my life, but that POWER will not make my gums healthy or improve my general physical fitness. that POWER, however, fosters my desire to take better care of myself, even if it means a bit of sacrifice. sure i would love to lock myself in my nice warm hose all day and have the world come to me, but just for today, i will take care of myself and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to deal with my defects of character.

∞ DT ∞