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well when i came to recovery the last thing i expected was to be told that my spirit was in some sort of coma! and more than that that i needed to have a spiritual awakening to recover. i did not want to recover! all i wanted was a way to learn how to use like ‘normal’ people. although the road has been far from smooth, i am glad that i finally accepted the fact, that i am incapable of ever using like ‘normal’ people. although the whole morning wake-up routine metaphor is a bit corny, i do understand the point of it.
for me, the whole process has evolved over time. ever since i was eighteen months clean and finally accepted the first step, the process of working the steps has provided different levels of spiritual consciousness. each time through the process a new part of my spirit is revealed and brought to life. i no longer have the desire to use substances to change the way i feel, BUT i still find other ways to deal with my feelings and some of them are more than a bit unhealthy. i can be a real prick when i feel the passion of my anger. i can go exercise a bit of retail therapy when i feel sad. and i can withdraw and isolate when i am confused. my latest spiritual awakening is that none of these behaviors are necessary for me to survive anymore and are remnants of my life in active addiction. they will be replaced by healthy responses if i allow the awakening process to continue. after all, if i had to think about becoming the man i am right now, way back at the dawn of my recovery, i would have never proceeded with the foot work that was needed to get here. is my spirit awake today? well, more awake than it was at the beginning of this process and less so than tomorrow, that is if i choose to remember that clean time does not equal recovery and keep doing the work that i has been laid in front of me!

∞ DT ∞