Blog entry for:

spiritually oriented life, is certainly one way to tell if i have had a spiritual awakening. i need to say a bit about what i have been dumping on the **virtual** meetings i have been attending, lately. what i said, how i said and my general attitude were certainly reflections of my spiritual fitness and i make no excuses for the rageful pukes that have characterized what i have been feeling. i am riddled with fear and anxiety and since i do not play well with those feelings, especially when they are coupled with events and situations i absolutely have no power over, i morph them into anger and rage. world events and the what i need to do, to help make the situation less onerous, are certainly two things over which i have no power. being alive in times of a pandemic and not knowing who in my circle of family, friends, peers and acquaintances will succumb to this virus, is a fearful situation. on top of that, i react to the daily news and the denial of the gravity of this situation, with anxiety.
fear and anxiety are two feelings that i do not find “likeable” and perhaps never did. in my attempt to suppress those feelings, i allow myself to change them into feelings i am far more comfortable feeling: anger, rage and rebellion. one might ask, why those are more acceptable to me? for this addict, those were the feelings that i walked into the room with, all those days ago. those are the feelings i lived my daily life in, when i was using and during that dark period between my clean date and when i finally entered recovery. i know them well. they served me well. they were my default reactions and that path is still available to me, when i choose to trot merrily down it. my disappointment in having two vacations disrupted by something like a virus that will infect everyone, eventually, was the seed that fed my descent into my heart of darkness. it took a cold and wet workout yesterday morning for me to see how i was replacing what i truly felt with feelings that i know, oh so well.
the world is just as dark and gloomy as it was yesterday. i still have an extra person in my house who lacks any sense of perspective and very little in the ways of social skills. my Mom is still spinning down to somewhere i choose not to consider. i am still healthy and more than likely unexposed to COVID-19. what has changed is that, just for today, i accept all of that as fact and have a modicum of wisdom to see that is stuff i cannot change. i can feel my FEAR and allow myself the FREEDOM to fall back on the FAITH, that all i have to do is look for the opportunities i am presented in my daily life and i will get all that i need for the POWER that fuels my recovery. right here and right now i think i am not going to defer my workout,as the bitter cold and the extra attention i will need to pay to the surfaces i am walking on, will take me out of my FEAR for forty minutes or so. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞