Blog entry for:

its particular shape, my spiritual awakening has brought me to a place where i can be empathetic, rather than judgemental. one of the side effects, however, is that no longer do i need to deny that i am worth more than ignoring the feelings i have and looking for the ways and means to be around those i do not find “likeable” at this point in time. what that means for me, is that i am leaving them behind on my spiritual journey. what that may mean tomorrow, has yet to be written, but what it means today is that courtesy and distance keeps me from acting on my most heinous and glaring shortcomings.
my last trip through the steps brought me to a place where i have a clearer vision of the stories i have told myself. those stories have acquired a veneer of truth, because they have been played and replayed in my head for years on end. it is true, that once i examined why i may have an “issue” with one or more of my peers, jealousy and envy was often a base that those perceptions were predicated upon. it is not like jealousy and envy have been removed from me, it i just am far more aware of how the part they play. i am far less forgiving and understanding of those i envy, but as the effect of what i am coming to believe, takes hold i can switch the story i tell myself about them and allow them the freedom to be who they are. the story that i am not good enough unless i am the center of attention, besides being the center of the universe, is being torn apart, bit by bit and i am not sure what, if anything will be constructed to fill that void.
ironically what i see as honestly sharing where i am, others may see as arrogance. i could go on and on with the litany of how i see myself, versus how others see me, but today, i see that NEED, having others see me as better as i am, is losing its prominence in my universe. what i am beginning to see is that how others see me, especially in the fellowship is becoming less and less of a concern. how i see myself and the rationalizations and justifications i use to bolster that vision, is what i am coming to see as important in my life. of course, as the truth is revealed to me, i want to spread that message to my peers and get all butt-hurt when they do not “get it.” what i am certain of today, is that i do not need to be the biggest, baddest or most spiritual kid on the block to have value and as i learn to live that, i am certain that more of the trappings of what i once believed i needed to be will fall by the wayside, as well. with that thought, i think i will hit the dusty trail and get my butt down to my place of current employment.

∞ DT ∞