Blog entry for:

this is certainly not one of my favorite topics, as i hate actual reminders of the fact that i am now and always will be an addict. that reality, fades into the background noise, more and more as i get further and further away from the last time i used and my life resembles the lives of those who are not addicts. even after two decades clean, i still have using dreams,. sometimes i complete the act, sometimes i wake-up just before i use, and sometimes i get frustrated by everything getting in my way, as i attempt to use. i am not a believer in “signs” from on high, but i ascribe to the notion that my dreams are an indicator of what is going on inside of me, emotionally and spiritually. the fact that they still are part of who i am is a good reminder, as much as i hate it, of what i am: an addict. for me, those little jolts of &8220;terror” from Morpheus, do make me examine my program and seek out those palaces i have reserved to turn a using dream into reality.
what came to the top of my mind this morning was the “event” i am still in the process of “processing.” yesterday, i had to listen to a “full disclosure” of the criminal deeds, one of the men that call me their sponsor needed to complete as part of their treatment program. in general, most of what he had shared yesterday, he has shared with me before, as we went through the step process. what surprised me, was the level of detail, he had not disclosed and that i did not press on him to disclose. going into the session, i was pretty sure that i would be okay with what i was going to hear. coming out of it, i was numbed and struck dumb, as i did not know what to say. i “felt” that somehow i had failed him, as the information he presented yesterday, has been available to us, the whole time. there is still a whole lot of shaking going on inside of me, as i integrate my new knowledge with what i already knew. what i do know, this morning, is that it is not my place to judge, nor is it my place to react, one way or another. it is my job to respond and be supportive as he figures out what his next move may be. it is my job to get him back on track with living the program to the best of his ability. it is my job to go over the material again, and see where i can be of service to him.
yeah, it all sounds great, but i still have a very strong emotional reaction to what i listened to yesterday. this morning, as i find the time to walk my walk, physically and spiritually, i will let go of what i think i “should” do and “feel” my way to the next right thing to do. i will rely on what i hear from the POWER that fuels my recovery, to do whatever that next right thing, happens to be.

∞ DT ∞