Blog entry for:

may get me through today clean, but it certainly will not make me immune to the ravages of addiction. okay, so truth be told, i am one of those, who can tell himself that there is always tomorrow, when it comes to going to a meeting or doing step work, knowing full well, that i really have is today. it is not as if i am delusional, it is just that i tend towards the easier, softer way, when given the choice. ironically, when it comes to my physical fitness program, i am out getting my miles, in, even when it is nasty cold and icy in the neighborhood. that sort of dedication is something that sprang from my recovery program, as i finally saw myself as worth the effort to get and stay fit.
this morning as i sat and tried to keep from falling back to sleep, what i heard was a reminder that i do have the choice today, to do something different. as i got up and started to get into my morning routine, i could here the excuse factory kick in and start the process of finding the ways and means to block any resolve i might have garnered from my time in that quiet place. after all, i have to acquire some new skills, get my act together to take next week off and more than anything figure out what my next move will be, in the virtual fellowship i find myself within. the list of “must dos” goes on and on and the “nice to-dos” gets pushed further and further down on my “plan for the day.”
knowing that and implementing a plan of action that allows the “right” stuff to rise to the top, are two different things. oh sure, i can say that today will be that day where i open my notebook and write out my FOURTH STEP and beat myself up for not doing so, feeding the lie that i am not worth doing that work. of course the alternative is to once again pretend that somehow i have grown enough “recovery” that i can continue to ignore my step work, after all, i have lots of examples in my life of peers who have more clean time than i do and seem to get by, without doing any of thew work on a consistent basis. what i want and what i need, may be confusing when i try and sort them out. i know i need to stay clean today. i know i need to live a program of active recovery. i want to get some exercise in this morning and more training in my ;latest project at work. my desire is to somehow get all of that done as well as take care of my obligations to those i love and care for, just for today. let me see how things work out as i live through another day clean.

∞ DT ∞