Blog entry for:

the spirit of generosity was never anything i thought was part of what i could do. i was a purely transactional kind of person, where every time i was perceived to be generous, came with a string attached and when the time came, i yanked on it hard. along my journey on this recovery road, i have come to see that i do not NEED to operate in that quid pro quo, anymore, i can give of myself with no expectation of return or acclaim. i did not arrive at that place the instant i got clean, nor was i suddenly struck generous when i came to desire a life of recovery. in fact, my spirit or generosity is more like a marble sculpture that chip by chip starts to resemble something other than a slab of rock. what i have today, was probably always there, i just needed a process to remove the layers that kept me from showing it to others and exercising it without forethought or malice.
my source material spoke of using generosity as the means to avoid feeling this or that. i am not sure how much i agree with that, as i have seen my peers being in a bad space and seeking out a newcomer project, to change the way they were feeling. sure their motives are pure, helping out the FNG, but at what cost. my question is always what is it that you cannot face and how do you think you can help someone else when you avoid what it is that you fear? they always seem dumbfounded by that question and never seem to answer it to my satisfaction. i have learned to walk away and allow them to wallow in the woes of that very tough and yet apt, rhetorical question.
it is time, however, to get my bad self over to my home group for my weekly meeting. today, i am not owed anything by anyone, as all that i do, i do out of my desire to be a better person. i have climbed down from the pedestal that i sorely desired for the longest time, tom rejoin the human race and my peers in recovery. living a life that embrace generosity as well as other spiritual principles, may not be the easiest path, but it certainly is the best one for me.

∞ DT ∞