Blog entry for:

is certainly one way to look at how i share and how i compare with others the less than stellar way. across the course of my recovery, i have seen and played many of the **sharing games,** in an attempt to elevate my self-esteem through the approval of my peers and trusted friends. i have also witnessed others doing similar things, although, these days casting motives on their observed behavior, is not what i am about. a year into this pandemic and i am beginning to wonder when the “FOX NEWS” automatons are going to get a clue that the Southern border is not being overrun by immigrants, number forty-five lost the election, there are no “Jewish space lasers” or that COVID is here to stay and it is deadly. oops went off the rails there, let me get my focus back…
across the course of my recovery, i have used what and how i shared as more than the means to carry a message of recovery and there is more than a bit of remorse and guilt over that part of my past. as part of my process of moving forward through STEP FIVE, i have decided to stop punishing myself for what i did in the past, as it seems the only logical path to living through the remembered and repressed pain of what was done to me. punishing myself and hiding in the crowd have been part of who i am for far too long and yes, i was “victimized” a long, long, long time ago, but i no longer need to let being a victim write the story of my life. this is not the first time i have gone to great lengths to remove myself from the order of “holier-than-thou” martyrs, and it probably will not be the last time.
how does that relate to how and what i share? in the past, not the distant past, i have used what i share as a weapon to respond to what another member shared. i have used sharing as a ego boost, topping whatever was just shared with something more. i have used sharing as “shock therapy” to jolt my peers off of their complacent little seats. all of those behaviors address my “need” to compete in the only forum i know i can be nearly 100% successful doing so.
looking at my life today, through the lens of my recent FIFTH STEP, i am starting to see if i want to be more, maybe i need to want less. i have felt raw and exposed for the past week, and i do not see that ending any time soon. i am thinking of taking a long, very long lunch today and see my Dad and get to an in-person meeting over in Boulder. living in these times has been way more interesting that i might have liked, but i have had the support of my friends and peers to get me through. today, i feel mostly balanced, although my spiritual side is still a bit off-kilter as i deal with the wave off repressed emotions spanning more than fifty years. i know that this too shall pass, all i have top do is allow it to do so, oh yeah, remind myself that just for today, i need not seek the approval of others, to feel good about who i am.

∞ DT ∞