Blog entry for:

actually has value, even when i feel it does not. there have been times in my recovery when i thought what i had to share about my recovery journey and how i shared it was worth being a circuit convention speaker. there have been other times when i felt that i had nothing of value to offer. the former colored my recovery world for the greater part of my first five years clean and the latter pops up every now and again. these days, i fall somewhere between those extremes and am grateful that is the case.
i have written many times about my opinion of those of my peers who share bumper stickers, bon mots and clichés. i have also expressed my opinion on those who “share for the newcomer.” this morning, neither one of those cases popped up as i sat. what i heard was a question, have i been sharing my best stuff or have i been merely “phoning it in?” certainly a valid point as i no longer plan my share to respond to what others have already put out there. it is true that one of my peers, who still seems to hold something against me has been showing up at my home group lately/ it has come upon me more than once to share directly at them, letting them know that they anything that they “believe” i did or did not do, is bullshit and they should engage me in a conversation. that would be an honest expression of my feelings and probably have some real worth. what i end up doing, however, is sharing the stuff that is going on in me as i struggle to find forgiveness to release the anger and resentment, so i can properly grieve for the loss of my parents. when i do so, i remove the power that i have given to this particular peer and get to move forward in my life, feeling what i need to feel and working on becoming more genuine and whole.
just for today? well in this moment, i think i will allow myself the freedom to process through my anger and resentment and admit that i was hurt and that as a result, i hurt myself, over and over and over again for decades on end. after coming to recovery, i CHOSE to remain in that pit of despair, even though i could no longer deny my feelings and my anger and resentment is more about that, than the incidents of humiliation at the hand of my Mom. where i guess this is going, is that i NEED to let go of my anger and resentment towards myself for choosing to abuse myself for all those years, so i can let go of what was done to me. this should be an interesting journey and i feel a bit of writing coming down the pike. it is a great day to look for a different way to live.

∞ DT ∞