Blog entry for:

where am i going? as i listened this morning, i was struck by the correctness of the germ of the idea i have to move forward from one of the most defining events in my life. over the past few days, what has been coming to me, through all sorts of different messengers, is to start by, quitting to punish myself and as i got comfortable with that, stop punishing the perpetrator. letting go of the past, no matter how defining it may have been, is what this addict needs to move into STEP SIX. burning for vengeance and getting payback, is wearing me down and making me less than, rather than building me up. it is ironic that where once getting even was what i was all about, that is not what i desire today. in fact what i desire the most is to let go of what was and allow myself to look forward to what may come.
now that i have the inklings of the plan to move forward into forgiveness on my heart, i still have to wait for the rest to clarify. those same two people need my forgiveness as well. i am not one of those who thinks about myself in the the third person, but in this case i just might have to go down that path. the man that worked with his sponsor and revealed his darkness, is not the same man who writes this today. in the two weeks or so since speaking about days and events decades ago, i have seen a bit of light, in the desire to move past all of that. i do not see any “here be dragons” signposts, but there is always FEAR when i step off in an unknown direction and redefining who i am, is certainly one of the most fearful processes i have ever started.
this morning, as i step out into the grey and gloomy morning, i can be certain that recovery is the road i want to be on, even if i cannot figure out what the signposts may be saying. i do know that i want to be more, feel more and certainly live more than the one-dimensional life that defined me when i walked into the rooms. i will always be an addict, of that i have no doubt. i will always have “issues” of one sort or another. what i do not have to do, is let that be all that i am. i have opened myself up to the possibility of change, even though i cannot predict what that change may be. as i step through my neighborhood this morning, i will allow myself to listen for what that something more, just may be.

∞ DT ∞