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the third and final will mentioned in the steps, is often the most confusing one of all, at least for this addict. this reading speaks of **getting away** with something and cash register honesty. what seems to be missing here, at least for me, is the notion that as i find myself aligned with the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, i am moving into a state of of true will, rather than self-will. the evidence poof that tectonic shift is when i do the next right thing, without having to think about it, nor having to rationalize or justify what i just did. the reading speaks of an ideal state, and this addict has yet to be elevated to that plane of existence.
of course all this talk abouyt the will of a POWER greater than me, is really something that does not exists in my spiritual path, as it implies that POWER has some sort of human defined consciousness. dropping down into that rabbit hole, is one of my favorite dives into rationalization and justification. living my life by spiritual principles, however, means that i consider damage to myself on par with damage to those with whom i share me life and the world in general. of late, i have been dealing with the emotional and spiritual fallout of having the lie on which my identity is based, exploded with extreme prejudice. there are moments in the day, when i wish i could just go back to being secretly broken and do what i have always done, live a life where self punishment is well deserved and hiding in plain sight, is a daily goal. every time i get to that cliff, i peer down into the abyss of what that might bring and i actually “feel” the will of a HIGHER POWER, urging me to back away and walk into the light of my unseen future. although i have yet to internalize the desire to walk away for that edge, that “feel” as if that is the next right thing to do. my will, slowly and surely, is beginning to align with the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, hence, becoming my true will.
this morning, i am okay and even if i have to do a “light” workout, due to the wind and my physical state, i will be okay still. i am quite sure that punishing myself physically, because i want to “look good” in the eyes of my Fitbit, is self will run riot. taking it easy and not pounding out miles and miles, is certainly the next right thing to do, just for today.

∞ DT ∞