Blog entry for:

most days, i have some clues about what that may be. on others, not so much. today, as i sat and listened, what i kept hearing was about my relationships with my peers in recovery. two in particular, that i have “judged” and found lacking in the principles that i want to live my life by. the fact of the matter is, both of them seem to lack integrity and try to sweep that under the carpet. when they share, i find myself “tuning out,” and when i am with them, i feel dirty and hypocritical. i know the spiritual thing to do, is to set aside their pasts and look to what they are today, dismissing any previous bias i have already developed, but i am not quite there, yet. here is where two paths diverge in the wood and i, will choose the one less traveled by and focus on myself, instead of the litany of their “sins.”
the one thing that has kept me coming back and coming back clean, is the encouragement i have received from my peers in the rooms. i was not honest, willing or open-minded when i came to the rooms, and i certainly almost never did what i said i would. some of my peers from those days, still want very little to do with me today, even after a minute clean. that is my loss, not theirs. when i consider that fact of my life, i have to wonder if i am throwing away valuable resources, because they happen to act in a less that stellar manner. looking at my issues through that lens, make it a bit easier to forgive, even though i will never forget. i can maintain a cordial, even warm relationship, with them at arm's length and seek the evidence that they too are growing out of “needing” to pretend, as i have finally done. learning to live what i have been taught, is a process and one that is on-going today. i may have learned to walk a long, long, long time again, but now i am learning to fly, soaring on the wings of doing the next right thing, even when no one is looking and not having to ever let anyone know what i did, just for today.

∞ DT ∞