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okay, i do have to admit that i was among the most confused about how anonymity could possibly be something i wanted. i am subject to bouts of ego and pride, even after a minute clean and many were affected by my behaviors in active addiction and i used to have the desire to set the record straight. over time, i begin to see that living my life when no one was looking, as if everyone could always see me, was a good course of action to follow. of course having that desire and putting it into action are two different things, and especially these days, as my recovery grows longer in tooth, i want to let the world know how much better i am and how i live better than i used to live.
as i sat this morning, a lot of “stuff” popped of the stack, most of it irrelevant to anonymity and humility. when the chaff cleared, i was left with an overarching concern about looking the way i feel. learning how to be a part of something greater, rather than being greater than the whole, has been a process that brought me to my knees many times. i am not sure my ego required being pounded into the sand, but it did require a bit of “right-sizing.” what i heard and the notion i left with, is that even though the world seems to be moving in a direction contrary to mine, namely towards being more selfish and less humble, i need not succumb to that flow. learning to be who i am, rather than who i want others to think i am, is the spiritual foundation upon which my life is built upon these days. as tempting as it may feel, for me, i am quite certain that returning to the ego-driven notion of being larger than life and grabbing what is mine, is not a direction i want to choose today. that is where anonymity comes into play. when i cave into that desire, i get sicker and when i let go of that desire, i become something greater, without having to proclaim a single thing.
the one place i need to be a bit “more” is my new job. i have a task that is due before the end of business today, on which i have barely started to work. today, as i suss out the permissions issue and attempt to put my “feature” into place, i know that i am not doing as well as would like to be doing and that the clock is ticking. part of the issue comes from having the desire to work as if i was at my old job and mostly spend the day, wasting time on activities that were unrelated to the job. i am not doing that, but i have strong desire to check my social media feeds, when i need to be working. on that note, it is time to get some miles in and burn a few calories, as that is the best way to start my day, while it is still light enough in the cool of the morning. those days are coming to an end as the seasons progress, but just for today, it is a good day to run at the crack of dawn.

∞ DT ∞