¨ resisting the impulse to proudly announce my membership ¨
Posted: Sat, Sep 3, 2011 09:36:45 AM
in this fellowship -- in effect, asking everyone to acknowledge how wonderful i am -- allows me value my recovery all the more.
well my second week of work is done and having had no days off since the 17th, i am more than a bit frazzled. than after sleeping two later than i have been, a frustrating morning with my home PC and my caffeine dispensing technology, it has how can i put this, a morning that i would have rather spent in bed, with my head under the covers, pretending that the world did not exist. instead i am muddling through and finally getting to the place where i wonder if writing this, is announcing to the world and asking them to acknowledge how great i am because…
i could say, i just write this for me, and that would be true, for as far as it goes. i do write this for me, BUT i also get pleasure when others read it and comment about it to me, to say anything less would be a lie. i do take some precautions to not name which fellowship i may or may not be a part of, but it is very clear for those who are members in the fellowship that has given me a new way of living, where i make my home. there is no anonymity on that count. my friends and family know where i am, if not the fellowship by name, at least the fact that i am clean and doing my best to live a better life, so once again no anonymity there either. a quick GOOGLE search reveals a little bit about who i am and this facet of my life, but not a lot. so i guess i can comfortably keep writing away in my little obscure corner of the world-wide web and not really worry about being exposed and getting all sorts of attention and praise from the world in general about living this lifestyle. there of course is another side to this argument, and that is what exactly are my motives for writing this? i started this out as an exercise in writing my first stand-alone web application after graduating from CU, and as kludgy as it was it worked and with an update this summer landed me a full-time gig in the corporate world for at least the next 10 weeks. dumping my crap and having to tip toe around the anonymity of others has given me a new respect for what that really means, as i do my best to never name names, or even genders most of the time. what i get, on a daily basis, is the benefit of writing down my feelings and thoughts. that benefit allows me to see a bit more what is going on to me, and although i would say i do not journal, this little exercise is evidence that i most certainly do write everyday and hence come close enough to journalling that it is tough to see the difference. so i get the benefits of daily writing, the benefits of getting feedback from those who care enough about me to comment to me about what i write and most importantly of all, a little humility about the effect i have on the world around me, which for the most part is not a whole lot.
anyhow i do have some commitments i need to get rolling on, it is a great day to be clean and one where i may not do squat, or perhaps i will do everything i NEED to get done by Tuesday today and have the rest of the weekend off. we will see, as here i go off to Boulder.
well my second week of work is done and having had no days off since the 17th, i am more than a bit frazzled. than after sleeping two later than i have been, a frustrating morning with my home PC and my caffeine dispensing technology, it has how can i put this, a morning that i would have rather spent in bed, with my head under the covers, pretending that the world did not exist. instead i am muddling through and finally getting to the place where i wonder if writing this, is announcing to the world and asking them to acknowledge how great i am because…
i could say, i just write this for me, and that would be true, for as far as it goes. i do write this for me, BUT i also get pleasure when others read it and comment about it to me, to say anything less would be a lie. i do take some precautions to not name which fellowship i may or may not be a part of, but it is very clear for those who are members in the fellowship that has given me a new way of living, where i make my home. there is no anonymity on that count. my friends and family know where i am, if not the fellowship by name, at least the fact that i am clean and doing my best to live a better life, so once again no anonymity there either. a quick GOOGLE search reveals a little bit about who i am and this facet of my life, but not a lot. so i guess i can comfortably keep writing away in my little obscure corner of the world-wide web and not really worry about being exposed and getting all sorts of attention and praise from the world in general about living this lifestyle. there of course is another side to this argument, and that is what exactly are my motives for writing this? i started this out as an exercise in writing my first stand-alone web application after graduating from CU, and as kludgy as it was it worked and with an update this summer landed me a full-time gig in the corporate world for at least the next 10 weeks. dumping my crap and having to tip toe around the anonymity of others has given me a new respect for what that really means, as i do my best to never name names, or even genders most of the time. what i get, on a daily basis, is the benefit of writing down my feelings and thoughts. that benefit allows me to see a bit more what is going on to me, and although i would say i do not journal, this little exercise is evidence that i most certainly do write everyday and hence come close enough to journalling that it is tough to see the difference. so i get the benefits of daily writing, the benefits of getting feedback from those who care enough about me to comment to me about what i write and most importantly of all, a little humility about the effect i have on the world around me, which for the most part is not a whole lot.
anyhow i do have some commitments i need to get rolling on, it is a great day to be clean and one where i may not do squat, or perhaps i will do everything i NEED to get done by Tuesday today and have the rest of the weekend off. we will see, as here i go off to Boulder.
∞ DT ∞