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authentically me? i posed that as a question because up until two and a half years ago, i was not sure who i authentically was, after hiding my real self in the shadows for decades on end. for all that time i was truly anonymous and without any identity at all. i did not think i really minded being a social chameleon, even though all my friends seemed to be their authentic selves all of the time and i mad myself look like them. i was so good at it, as a matter of fact, that it was nearly effortless on my part and my life certainly got harder when i came out from under the shadow of the lie i had told myself since i was five years old and the stories that lie generated.
as i move further and further from the day i exploded my life and returned to the living, i see how i basically knee-capped myself in all my relationships, to protect myself from anyone seeing who i was, even though who i really was , was not that much different from those who surrounded me in my life. i was a victim of my own self-persecution and i was the creator of my social anxiety, leading to my stunted social growth. it is weird to enter society for the first time in my sixties, but i am grateful i can do so, today. i am seeing day-by-day with my interactions with my friend who is failing to re-integrate into society where i was and where i would have been certainly going, had i not stopped using and started a path to daily active recovery.
this morning as i sat, and as i ran, what kept coming up was how different i have become since that FIFTH STEP and how much i actually enjoy not having a clue where this journey is taking me, metaphorically speaking.it is amazing the stuff i uncover on a daily basis, such as watching someone smile when i greet the during my workout, or when i thank someone for doing the next right thing. as i see my entitlement slip away and accept that i am owed very little and it is my responsibility to create a life that i can enjoy, by finding out what brings me joy and what i find that is fun to do. i am no longer a prisoner, in a prison of my own making and although i have been released from that bondage, the journey to become part of the whole of society, can at times, be overwhelming. here is where yesterday's source material comes in, can i change my desire to be whole and genuine? probably not. that means i have to accept the consequences of my journey and learn to enjoy or learn from what they may bring. today, and just for today, i feel my life is far too short to live in a prison of my own making and i revel in the freedom i have been given to be more than i ever believed was possible.

∞ DT ∞