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from the horrors of the part of me i call addiction, is all that i have, no matter how long i have been clean. i may have to admit when i am wrong, but i do it, even when it is not the message that is the issue, but the how that message was delivered. this morning after having to give a “proper apology” to one of my peers, i wonder how i got so far off the rails. i could chalk it up to the stress in my life, working to keep my job, dealing with aging, mine and my family members or a hundred and one different ways that life on its own terms shows up on a daily basis. when all is said and done, it boils down to forgetting that i am an addict and as such, i do not always react or respond in the most healthy or spiritual manner. so i muddle through things the best i can and clean-up in the aftermath, when i have screwed the pooch as it were.
i am finally getting to the place where i have swept the detritus from my side of the street, by taking ownership for my actions and closing down the responsibilities that leaving something behind, needed to have done. i am at the point where i sent out my request for a new service opportunity and have cut my strings to my old position and let go all that is going on, over there. i would have loved to stay and fight that battle, but due to a “sick” relationship with winning and losing in that arena, i had to step away. that decision, as hard as it was to make, was the start of a path towards sanity in my life. where once living a life based in rationalizations, justifications and self-will was comfortable, i can no longer stay there for very long as my dang recovery journey has removed that comfort.
being okay with living in a newish reality, where i may no longer be defined as “THE H&I GUY,” may take a bit of getting used to, but i will endeavor to persevere and become whomever i will become. i am okay with what i had to do over the weekend to limit the part of me i call addiction from destroying the life i have in the service of the fellowship that is my home. it is a great day to walk in the light of FREEDOM from active addiction and accept that i have to do what i need to do, to stay there, just for today.

∞ DT ∞