Blog entry for:

i have desired this **elusive** quality since i figured out that i had very little of it. oh no, it was not when i first got clean that the realization of how i saw myself was revealed. it was not even in the very first years of my recovery. in fact i was probably five or six years clean, before my head popped out of my ass, and i started to see how little i actually esteemed myself. and it was not until last year, while writing my FOURTH STEP and sharing my FIFTH, that i saw what was holding me back from loving myself. today, i am better at loving myself, whatever that may mean, as i have had some practice at doling so, over the past year.
before i go on:

Derek R.
EIGHTEEN (18) years clean!
Congrats, my friend.

i can honestly say that when i was using, loving myself was not an issue. in fact, if i got high every day or got laid, that was a demonstration of how much i “cared” for myself. learning to make choices that provide for a better me, was not something i ever planned on doing, after all, i could smoke a half pack of cigarettes per day and still run a 10K in under an hour. in fact, addiction seemed to have programmed me to look at the short run and ignore anything that may be coming, somewhere in my future. recovery has given me enough self-respect that i have decided that caring =for myself is worth the payoff, even if that payoff is still a decade away.
my Mom is in the hospital, dealing with blood clots in her legs. her genetic makeup is such, that she is prone to clotting. that unpleasant fact, coupled with her choice to deign that she cannot be more active on a very regular basis throughout her day, has landed her in dire straits in the hospital. no matter how much i asked, cajoled, and chided her, she was adamant about what she could and could not do, when she really meant she would not. my hope is that when she gets to come home, she takes getting up and moving on an hourly basis seriously and does all that her therapists and doctors advise. i will provide the support she may require, but i will not carry her, it is up to her to decide if she is important enough to herself, to take responsibility to get a bit more fit.
the time has come for me to take care of my fitness program. i may not be running quite yet, but at least i will be out walking very quickly through this frigid, late winter's morning. it is a great day to show how much i can care and love myself.

∞ DT ∞