Blog entry for:

whence i came and how quickly i could return to that living hell, is a great reminder this morning, as i finish the last two weeks of my enforced idleness. over the weekend, i had the opportunity to be one of those who gloat and and remind someone that i told them so. i chose not to and will continue to choose not to engage in that activity, as i have the desire to be better than i have been in the past. that does not mean i am well enough to not feel a certain smug satisfaction at the outcome. that feeling was on my TENTH STEP inventory and what i realized it is just part of who i am and feeling it, does not make me a bad person. it does remind me that i am still a “work in progress” and that i need to practice these principles in all of my affairs. this morning what bubbled up from the depths as i sat was a bit of compassion and a whole lot of empathy for my peer who put so much of their prestige and esteem on attempting to do something positive in the worst possible way. i understand that the whop0lke ends justify the means paradigm and i have gone down that path more than a few times in my recovery service career. in the end, i finally realized that listening to those outside of my echo chamber and when i ask for advice, providing any and all the of dissenting voices as well as my own, will derail my self-will run riot train. those were some of the most painful lessons in my life and ones that taught me to listen and act in accordance with a group conscience, even when it is not to my liking.
after disposing of those notions, the next idea off that popped off the stack was a peek at how i am fostering my own atmosphere of recovery. i follow my daily routine and render unto my recovery program, what it is due. the question that came up, however, is, am i doing enough? i am staying clean, i have not jumped down anyone's throat, i have not engaged in any retail therapy, i have kept myself busy and got myself up and out of the house, every single day and most importantly i have been available for those in recovery who ask for my support. i could certainly go to more meetings and maybe i will/ i could pick up a new service commitment at one of the groups i show up at, and that may also be a path i wish to walk down. i will continue to serve my peers on a very personal level and see where that goes, as i am sure that is part of me staying clean. just for today, i may not need to “step up” my personal recovery program, but i do need to take a realistic look at that idea and see if it is reality or fantasy.

∞ DT ∞