Blog entry for:

with myself and showing that honesty to entire world is not part of my hard-wiring. somehow i came to the conclusion that i needed to be bigger, better, stronger and smarter than everyone else, and let them know how much more advanced i happened to be. under the surface, however, i felt weaker, dumber and smaller, which did very little to dissuade me from creating and maintaining the fronts that allowed me to walk in the “real” world. living a lie and swallowing that as “truth” created a whole lot of warped behaviors and as i live a program of active recovery, i “get” to learn how to live without them.
this morning more than a few things bubbled to the surface as i sat. the first being that yesterday did not go as planned. my friend, overslept, so no walking after my home group meeting and i did not succeed at the online assessment. in days past, i would have taken both off those non-events as reasons to beat myself up and used them as evidence that i do not deserve to be where i am. in active addiction i would use to drown those feelings, in recovery not all that long ago, i would swallow those feelings and dump them into the graveyard of feelings that i have carried with me for quite some time. today, i can see that i am not skilled enough to get that job and becoming more skilled is certainly something i can do. does that make me feel any “better?” well, it actually does, as it is a realistic and honest take at where i sit career-wise and what steps i need to take moving forward, which include my continuing education to learn how to assess problems and develop elegant and optimized solutions for them.
the second thing that popped off the stack, as it were, was what to write to my jailed sponsee, who is now bound for an eight year sentence in the custody of the state of Colorado. he has written me two very emotionally charged letters and the last one needs to be addressed today and the response needs to be in the mail tomorrow. although i am sympathetic to his plight and even more than a bit empathetic this is a world of hurting he brought down on himself and i can certainly see what those that were evaluating him called him “gamey and manipulative.” the fact is, instead of being honest he threw a bunch of “treatment” bullshit at them, hoping it would help convince them to send him to community corrections at the worst. i know from my own experience that is not too difficult to be who you need to be, when dealing with those who do not know you, but when my freedom depended on being who i was, the games had to stop. he has given me an out and i have yet to decide if i am taking it or not. that decision will be one i have to “feel” my way through to and my weekly 10K will certainly be a good time to allow myself to listen to my heart, rather than deal with my head.
as i prepare to step out this morning, i am quite certain that nothing is fVcked in my life. i will go to work tomorrow and prepare to move into the new location. i will write my sponsee and tell him what i think, before the radio silence of moving into CDOC begins. i will sit and enjoy a cigar and some football this afternoon. i will finish getting the leaves off the lawn, bagged on on the curb for pickup and i will honor and cherish myself. it is important for me to remember that honesty, in any form comes from being genuine to my core.

∞ DT ∞