Blog entry for:

of my ability, what a wonderfully useful phrase to cover a multitude of sins. it reminds me of what i heard in early recovery, specifically that no matter what one did, no matter how heinous, IF one stayed **sober** today, then the day was a success. i heard that more than once and it is part of the litany of sins of that fellowship that led me to where i am today. “to the best of my ability” has played a similar role in my recovery journey, as my go-to phrase when i have certainly not HONESTLY lived a program of recovery to the best of my ability. to that end, i have to admit that since i did a “just for tomorrow” blog, yesterday, that this is “just for yesterday” blog, this morning. being an obsessive sort of person, of course i am going to “fix” the dates, as that is certainly well within my power and taking after some politicians, rewriting the past to present alternate facts, seems to be all the rage.
i have to admit, i have grave doubts over the notion that there are “winners and losers” in recovery. when i got clean, the whole world was black and white IMHO. i had very binary opinions of everything and as i stayed clean i saw that there were very few things that came down on On or OFF. staying clean was amongst those very permanent binary states of being and i am not talking about my obsessive peers who believe that even an Ibuprofen for occasional pain, is certainly cause for concern, as the toke on their vapes and drink caffeinated beverages. what i am talking about is the willful use of substances to alter my mind or mood. i also understand that abstinence, even for decades, does NOT equal recovery, never has and never will. that is a path i choose not to go down, this morning. as someone who is quite familiar with living in a state of abstinence rather than a state of recovery, i understand that, and i am grateful that staying clean was sufficient to carry me across the border into the land of recovery.
way back when, it seemed that seeing myself as a “winner” no matter how poorly i live a program of recovery, was important. today i know that i am neither a “winner” or “loser” as recovery is not a game or competition. i just am an addict in recover seeking to live a life based on the principles handed down from my predecessors. some days i am a recovery guru, living a program, flawlessly and others not so much. i no longer judge how “well” i perform recovery in my life, as that leads this addict down the lane of self-deprecation or a pretentious asshole. instead i look at my day and seek out where i was less than stellar as well as where i lived up to the values i purport to live by. the results are a well-balanced daily inventory that does not fall into either a winner or loser basket. i win when i stay clean and live a program of recovery. i lose when i hurt others and act like a dickish asshole and each and every one of my days has elements of both. so it is time to get up from my chair, dress out and get ten kilometers under my belt, as i deserve to do whatever it takes to be healthier, physically, emotionally and spiritually, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞