Blog entry for:

i have always wondered why we have to label winners and losers. i know that this is a part of the culture that i was cursed (or blessed) to be born into. everything is a competition and i was taught that striving to win was what it was all about. to that end, all i ever won throughout the those chaotic decades of my active addiction was a felony conviction, no self-respect and a life devoid of friends, lovers and close acquaintances.
sitting in salt lake city this morning, i sometimes wonder exactly what winning is all about these days. and what is on my mind this morning is not how i can stay clean today -- that is a given, if i decide to let go of my self-will. yes i have to do the things necessary to maintain my recovery, those simple things that were suggested in today's reading -- attend meetings, work steps, stay in contact with my sponsor and give my time and skills back to the fellowship through service.
no what is on my mind is how best to serve. how to be a winner in service as well as recovery. i have a whole lot of conflicting ideas running through my head today and i finally am starting to get what the minority voices have been trying to tell me for the past six months. and what i am beginning to understand that it is not control and organization, but allowing the process define the structure. what i am beginning to realize is that the time for quiet contemplation is coming to an end and it is time to act to reshape what is starting to be formed. so for me today it is time to open my mind and open my mouth and let go of self-will, fear, uncertainty and doubt. i can continue to led or become part of the leadership process to form something greater than the sum of its parts. something that will be here long after i have moved on. and that process needs to start by me taking a risk or two and see what happens. and for me that will be winning today.
∞ DT ∞