Blog entry for:

that i am free to simply be, when i let go of the expectations i have of myself and stop wondering how the fVck i got here. like many of my peers, i fumed and fretted over that exact notion for what seems far too long. the simple fact is that i am an addict and that i exhibited addict-like behaviors, long before i ever got high for that very first time at Boy Scout camp, when i was fifteen years old. i had mastered the art of hiding what i was feeling, by suppressing those emotions that were “bad.” i had learned how to be what i needed to be to fit into whatever crowd i happened to have the desire to be a part of. most importantly of all, i had built a wall around myself that was nearly impenetrable and found comfort in being alone. i know what the impetus that started this whole journey happened to be, but i had told myself the same lie, i was too broken to be seen in public, so many times to myself that it had taken on the patina of TRUTH. using was just a pressure relief valve for me and it kept me mostly sane for the twenty-five years that i relied on substances to help me bolster all the above.
my journey to find any sort of freedom of this type has been long and very twisted. just as soon as i thought i had resolved my past, put it into perspective and found myself looking at a brand new person, a new layer of grunge was removed and <BOOM> i was once again left in the lurch. will this time be the charm? i have reached a place where i do not care, one way or another. i know that today, i value myself and that when it comes to the rest of the world, i come first. i still am caring and compassionate, but i no longer do things to please someone, although what i do may be pleasing to them. i know longer give a two shits about what anyone thinks of me, because i am ready to be the person i am today, and that person may not be the same tomorrow. what is important to me today, is to be true to myself, be present for what is going on around me and treat myself with the respect and kindness i deserve.
i am a person who has abused and disparaged himself for decades on end, as i step out from under the weight of that rock and allow it to roll to the bottom of the hill, as i do what Sisyphus never could, summit that mountain and do not look back. i do not regret what it took me to reach a place where i can be free to just be, as i know it took all of that to arrive here. no, i do not see it as part of GOD's plan or destiny, it is simply what it took. i am free from the chains that have held me down for so long and do not have any clue as to where i may be going, and for once in my life, i do not care, just for today.

∞ DT ∞