Some memes

how long i have been clean, there is always room for improvement. by being present as my peers in recovery grow, i get to see the areas in my life where i am growing these days. i came back from Africa a year ago with a huge resentment and i did what i always do, i “swallowed” that feeling and swiftly moved into denial mode. after nearly six months of having that shit rolling around in my head, i finally decided to do something about it. i paid attention to what i was hearing and allowed myself to feel the anger and the burn. when that was exhausted, i was finally ready to forgive a dead person for what she could never, ever make right. the weight that was lifted off my spiritual self was so enormous, i decided that it was time to make some other changes in my life, such as working a new set of steps with a new sponsor. i may not be flying through my step work, but i am string to see how insane it was to have any expectation that someone would come back from the dead to fix the things they did not fix in their lifetime. that has led to me looking at what other expectations i am holding on to, waiting for others to wake the fuck up and clean up their messes. certainly not a symptom of sanity in my life, at least in this respect.
where all this is leading to, is that this morning, as i sat and listened, i heard that it was time to start looking deeper into my current step work and get off my spiritual ass and do something, anything, to foster some change in my life. i have been milling around in this lobby for far too long and it is starting to wear on me. i am not about to use or anything like that, but i certainly have a “hair trigger” when i comes to seeing how others are tromping all over me. this misperception is certainly one i am quite familiar with, as it was my default state of being, way back when. sliding back into that set of thoughts and behaviors is hardly a sane manner in which to live. if those symptoms are becoming obvious to me, it means that they are out there for the whole world to see. as i have stated in the past, i am far too concerned about how i look to the world around me, to allow such a thing to happen. if i want to look better, i guess i have to do the work to change for the better, just for today.

∞ DT ∞