๐ drugs were not ๐
Posted: Tue, Jan 28, 2025 06:44:49 AM
the only barrier to my fidelity. no matter how i slice or dice it, the fact of the matter is, mere abstinence was not enough for me to change the decades of behavior and habits with which i came to recovery. it might be enough for those who are not addicts, but for me, as an addict, DESIRE still played a huge role in the choices i made on a daily basis. those choices still led to me to be less than faithful in how i treated those around me. even though, by the time i finally came to recovery, i had worked a course of the twelve steps, the reality was that i had actually gone through the motions, like some sort of step technician, writing all the “right stuff,” but not taking any of it to heart.
of course i could rehash my whole transformation from those sad and dreary days to today, but to what ends? i may have all those tendencies and behaviors still lurking under the surface, like a great white shark, waiting to devour my unsuspecting victim, but this recovery program has given me the ways and means to CHOOSE to behave and respond in a different manner. DESIRE is still part of who i am, as i have hardly become an ascetic. i can certainly still be selfish and self-centered as my entry from a year ago seems to indicate. the difference between now and even a year ago, is i have a better understanding of what is bubbling under my surface and part of being faithful to my program is learning forgive, even when as i still carry the scars. coming to terms with my mortality and what it takes for this sixty-seven year old body to heal, has been a journey through humility and one that has left me seeking something more.
the greatest gift i have ever received came through the SIXTH and SEVENTH STEPS, where i learned that my defects of character may be immutable, but how i handle them is not. today, i will do my best to respond appropriately to whatever comes down the pike. when someone acts all sorts of angry at me, i will need to see what my part may be and admit where i was wrong. to those who are reacting to having to grow up at sixty years of age, i will allow them to be what they need to be. life for me, at least these days, i all about taking care of myself, those i love and offering what i can to my peers in the fellowship. just for today, i can be better than the sum of my parts.
of course i could rehash my whole transformation from those sad and dreary days to today, but to what ends? i may have all those tendencies and behaviors still lurking under the surface, like a great white shark, waiting to devour my unsuspecting victim, but this recovery program has given me the ways and means to CHOOSE to behave and respond in a different manner. DESIRE is still part of who i am, as i have hardly become an ascetic. i can certainly still be selfish and self-centered as my entry from a year ago seems to indicate. the difference between now and even a year ago, is i have a better understanding of what is bubbling under my surface and part of being faithful to my program is learning forgive, even when as i still carry the scars. coming to terms with my mortality and what it takes for this sixty-seven year old body to heal, has been a journey through humility and one that has left me seeking something more.
the greatest gift i have ever received came through the SIXTH and SEVENTH STEPS, where i learned that my defects of character may be immutable, but how i handle them is not. today, i will do my best to respond appropriately to whatever comes down the pike. when someone acts all sorts of angry at me, i will need to see what my part may be and admit where i was wrong. to those who are reacting to having to grow up at sixty years of age, i will allow them to be what they need to be. life for me, at least these days, i all about taking care of myself, those i love and offering what i can to my peers in the fellowship. just for today, i can be better than the sum of my parts.
∞ DT ∞