๐ต a mental list ๐น
Posted: Fri, Mar 21, 2025 06:48:43 AM
of reasons that might justify using, better known as reservations, is something i often say, is not part of who i am these days. upon further inspection and a quick trip through the events of the past year, i see that is not quite true. the pressure i was under last year at this time, as well as the cancer diagnosis i received a few months later, came together in a perfect storm, one that created the desire to use within me. sitting in this vantage point, i can see that i do have a reservation about fatal, disabling disease and whether or not i can face that prospect clean. what i take away from that little momentary lapse of reason, is that i am NOT immune to the ravages of active addiction and that i want to defend and minimize that reaction, so i can slip back into the warm comfortable blanket of denial, that is ever so familiar to me.
as i sat this morning, there was no list of reservations that came bubbling up from the depths. in fact there was a whole lot of silence. i could take that as a sign that i have no reservations, even the one about the big “C.” i could also see it as that warm and comforting blanket of denial is keeping me from seeing what, if any, reservations i may have. i am choosing, however, to see that event for what it was, a dive into the void, that nothing came out of, save a moment of serenity and detachment from the problems i am facing in my life. as the government is so fond of saying when it chooses not to answer a question: based on that experience i can neither confirm or deny that i have reservations this morning.
where does all of that leave me? well, for one, i can see how i got backed into that corner nine months ago, when that “other shoe” dropped. i can also see that when i am not feeling quite right, that instead of hiding behind txts, i need to address my issue head-on with my sponse. having a sponse who is local and sees me on a regular basis will facilitate that resolve. i also need to be honest with myself about what i am feeling and how i am reacting to the world around me, which these days, could be a bit better. juts for today, however, i will see where i am spiritually and emotionally and if i sense that i might not be doing as well as i think i am, step work will be part of my plan for this day.
as i sat this morning, there was no list of reservations that came bubbling up from the depths. in fact there was a whole lot of silence. i could take that as a sign that i have no reservations, even the one about the big “C.” i could also see it as that warm and comforting blanket of denial is keeping me from seeing what, if any, reservations i may have. i am choosing, however, to see that event for what it was, a dive into the void, that nothing came out of, save a moment of serenity and detachment from the problems i am facing in my life. as the government is so fond of saying when it chooses not to answer a question: based on that experience i can neither confirm or deny that i have reservations this morning.
where does all of that leave me? well, for one, i can see how i got backed into that corner nine months ago, when that “other shoe” dropped. i can also see that when i am not feeling quite right, that instead of hiding behind txts, i need to address my issue head-on with my sponse. having a sponse who is local and sees me on a regular basis will facilitate that resolve. i also need to be honest with myself about what i am feeling and how i am reacting to the world around me, which these days, could be a bit better. juts for today, however, i will see where i am spiritually and emotionally and if i sense that i might not be doing as well as i think i am, step work will be part of my plan for this day.
∞ DT ∞