Some memes

self-obsession without losing sight of myself. i have to admit, i came to recovery with a fantasy of how much better i was than everyone else and that the world existed to give me everything i desire. when those illusion were shattered through the process of recovery, despite all my efforts to cling to those fallacies, i came to believe that compassion and empathy were still for suckers and all i had to do was feign being compassionate and empathetic and all would be well. what that looked like, was becoming a service junkie, a dispenser of unasked for advice and a doormat for those whom i believed i might have injured. that led to a whole lot more damage to those around me and a very lonely existence in the rooms and in the real world, as it seemed everyone could detect that i was hardly sincere. i can see today, that what i was attempting to do, was cover my lack of self-esteem and my degraded sense of how valuable i truly was. my journey through recovery has freed me to become who i am and have the ability to actually car for others and surprise care for myself.
the whole notion of me being some sort of rock, immune to the slings and arrows of life on its own terms, retarded my growth for nearly two decades. it is not, as if i did not grow, but i limited the amount of spiritual and personal growth i might have had. no matter how many times my sponse told me, that i may have things wrong, i resisted the notion with all my might. i know that i was living a lie and that lie screamed to me in my own voice that he had to be wrong, as i was more than certain that what he saw, as part of my act, to protect my fragile ego. well from this vantage point is see ego was not what i was protecting, it was the bastion of the lie i lived for so long, that it had taken on the aspect of being my “truth.” the destruction of that belief structure that came about as part of my last FIFTH STEP, did leave a void in my life, that i am still looking to fill, with the reality of who i am. i am certain, that with the help of my new sponsor and another trip through the steps, under the vision of a fresh set of eyes, will free me to accept that i am not now, nor was i ever broken beyond repair.
it is time for me to go meet a commitment i made to be of service to my community. i have no plans for the rest of the day, after my walk around, but i know that whatever i do, it will be because i CHOOSE to do it, whether or not it makes me look good, just for today.

∞ DT ∞