Some memes

empathy and concern for others, i need to learn how to let go of self-obsession without losing sight of myself. well, it seems i have stumbled on to a similar topic for two days in a row. i certainly hope that is not some precognition or foreshadowing of a relapse of someone who is close to me. in all honesty, yesterday was more about them and today, this certainly need to be more focused on me. specifically the boundary between self and others. yes i spoke about investing in the recovery of others and that certainly fits in with the topic today of not losing myself while being caring and empathetic with my peers, it does not go quite deep enough, so forward into the breech i go.
as i consider the boundary between self and others, i know for certain that it is not nearly as defined as it needs to be, even today with a minute clean. when i consider the suicide of one of the men that i sponsored and the frequent relapses of a few of the men who once called me their sponsor, i wonder where i went wrong. what could i have done to prevent those events from happening and what did i not give those men. sure the notion that i am more powerless over their addiction than i am of my own, is comforting and it is certainly a wall behind which i can hide. what i have been told more than once, why that is certainly true, i really do not need to go there, when i remember that i gave all that i had and at the time, it was the best that i could give. troubleshooting the “what was,” is never going to give me any serenity or peace of mind.
what i can take from those experiences is not what i was not, but the fact that i took on more responsibility for what happened than i needed to, i had crossed the boundary of having the desire to enable, at the cost of my own self. it is quite true that i am dealing with the what once was as i start writing on my current step, but this particular house of pain, is not where i need to dwell. part of my desire to flail myself with an emotional cat-o-nine-tails, comes from what i see as my “failures” in missing the signs, pushing too hard or just not asking the correct questions. this set of steps has shown me a path for letting go of what was never in my power and accepting the version of my history that does not disparage me for not being clairvoyant or omnipotent. it is showing me the path to treating myself as well as i choose to treat others, with the kind of care they deserve.
as i step out into the real world, this morning, i know that i was the best possible version of me over the past few days. i allowed myself to be a part of the family i ignored for most of my adult life and opened my mind to the notion that i may have been getting an edited version of events that i had not witnessed. i also know that is not my stuff and unless i desire to create chaos and drama, i will file those new takes away and allow the picture of what is, to be clarified in my own mind.

∞ DT ∞