Some memes

equal control, it is an awareness i practice daily to remind me of the severity of addiction. i have peers in recovery, some with more clean time than myself, who live in abject fear of relapse and spend what seems to be every moment of their waking days, attempting to control the world around them. of course, that is my impression, the abject fear part i know from what they share in meetings and one-on-one. the control bit, well that is an observation and a judgement i make based on their apparent behaviors, one of which is the fact they will not even take an aspirin for a headache. whether or not that is control or living a life based in fear, or not, really is not my stuff. what i see, is what i do not want to be. sometimes, at least for me, i see role models of what i do not want to become and make an effort to behave in the opposite manner. does that work all the time? not really, but when i see someone i do not want to become, i can and will make an effort to rearrange my life to attempt to avoid that transformation.
if not doing what others do is working a program of recovery, how does vigilance become a spiritual principle i practice in my daily life? for one thing, i have a daily routine, or as my spouse would say, a daily obsessive set of behaviors. that routine frames my day in recovery and allows me the freedom to walk into the world with a bit of confidence that no matter what comes my way, i can stay clean, just for today. i have FAITH in the program of recovery that brought me this far and although i may appear less than vigilant about my recovery, that is because i do not go on and on and on about it. vigilance is just part of what i do and how i live, day to day. vigilance allows me the freedom to walk this oh so wicked world where if i were one to speak in metaphors based on Western religions, i would temptations abound. the devil is always pout there whispering to me that just one will not be anything to fret over. the simple and plain fact of my life, however, is that is not part of who i am or how i walk through my day.
i have no desire to use, just for today and am grateful i have the ways and means to live a life freed from active addiction. my peers may fret and worry and speak of the tests and temptations and for them, that is their reality. for me, well, i believe in myself, the POWER that fuels my recovery and the program of recovery that is still working in my life today. it is off to walk the dawg and get ready to roll on into work. i have every confidence that i can remain vigilant as well as open-minded and willing to learn, just for today.

∞ DT ∞