Blog entry for:

of my makeup. it certainly is ironic how that phrase can be used by me to rationalize away even the most egregious behaviors, attitudes and intolerance. i have finally made the official announcement that i am ending one of my long-standing service commitments. at first, i had hope that i would be able to possibly continue, but as this morning dawned, i saw that it was not to be. i have too much of my own stuff to resolve before i am able to return to that commitment and as that process continues, i may uncover that i really do not need to serve in that manner. there is a bit of grief on my part, but there is also a sense of success, as i decided on my own to surrender to the fact that i did not need to be a part of any sort of mutually-abusive relationship.
it is tough for me to feel “successful” these days, as my job search drags on. the lie that i made my “truth” through incessant repetition, is coming back to haunt me and i am feeling as if i will never be a success again and will need to change my career, just to bring in some money. i have not reached that point yet, and i have decided that i just may take a job offer that does not “check” all the boxes. that however, has yet to pass. what i am going to do, is keep doing what i am doing and continue to put myself out there. i have been learning that no answer usually means no and i am trying not to apply that fact of my job hunt, to what i am seeing in my life. just for today, i will be aware of where i am succeeding and looks to my “failures” as opportunities to grow. any other spin on that part of my life, might be deadly for this addict and just for today, i am not willing to let myself spin down into the darkness. i am clean. i am physically more fit that i have been in decades and spiritually and emotionally i have all the support i need, to succeed in this slice of twenty-four hours.

∞ DT ∞