โ the more i try to make my life conform to my expectations, the more uncomfortable i feel. โ
Posted: Sat, Nov 25, 2006 08:08:13 AM
self-pity can arise from living in my expectations instead of in the world as it actually is. When the world does not measure up to my expectations, it is often my expectations that need adjusting, not the world.
and before you run off screaming to check whether you read the entry for today, yes i am staring this little stream of consciousness rambling off with the reading from yesterday.
i had a topsy-turvy day yesterday, exercised my desire to buy something bright and shiny long before most of thew world got up, and then tried to catch-up and readjust my physical self to match the state i expect to be in every single day after a normal period of rest and down time. so even though i intended to write about this topic yesterday, i could not adjust what i wanted to do with what i could do and the lack of writing was the result. so it goes ....
.... and the most ironic part of this, is that i really needed to sort out my expectations from reality. i have been judging another addict’s behavior and the result of that behavior on some of the people who are closest to me in my life. although none of those people are victims of that addict’s behavior, they have volunteered to give this addict what ever this addict believes they want. so in a convoluted manner i have described behaviors that i find unattractive in myself. manipulation, rationalization, entitlement, and dishonesty. my expectation is that as the program progresses in the lives of those around me, that they too can see when they are being played like a mandolin and learn to cut off the fingers of the manipulator. the other major expectation that is revealed to me, is that as i progress, i should care less about the behaviors of others, and keep my opinions to myself. i do not see that expectation resembling reality any day soon, and i will have to once again learn to let go of the various behaviors that arise from my character defects.
"the peace and tranquility we experience during my quiet times confirms that my most important needs my spiritual needs are being met.
i are able to empathize with other addicts and strengthen my conscience in the process. i learn to avoid judging others and experience the freedom to be myself."
so the solution to my dilemma lies in the entry for today. go back to the source of my recovery, ask for knowledge and listen quietly for the answer. it is not an inherent part of my being, to seek answers from a force beyond my five senses and it is a necessary part of my program to learn to expand who i am and what i believe. that process can only occur if i allow it to happen. yes i may be pissy at someone, and perhaps will temporarily ex them from my life -- well actually probably ex them from my life. that is for their protection not mine, my job is to learn once again how to let go of my expectations of myself, others and the world in general, and to return to the spiritual path of recovery.
kind of nice how these two readings go together in this addict’s life. there must be a power greater than me at work here, i just need to let that work be done!
and before you run off screaming to check whether you read the entry for today, yes i am staring this little stream of consciousness rambling off with the reading from yesterday.
i had a topsy-turvy day yesterday, exercised my desire to buy something bright and shiny long before most of thew world got up, and then tried to catch-up and readjust my physical self to match the state i expect to be in every single day after a normal period of rest and down time. so even though i intended to write about this topic yesterday, i could not adjust what i wanted to do with what i could do and the lack of writing was the result. so it goes ....
.... and the most ironic part of this, is that i really needed to sort out my expectations from reality. i have been judging another addict’s behavior and the result of that behavior on some of the people who are closest to me in my life. although none of those people are victims of that addict’s behavior, they have volunteered to give this addict what ever this addict believes they want. so in a convoluted manner i have described behaviors that i find unattractive in myself. manipulation, rationalization, entitlement, and dishonesty. my expectation is that as the program progresses in the lives of those around me, that they too can see when they are being played like a mandolin and learn to cut off the fingers of the manipulator. the other major expectation that is revealed to me, is that as i progress, i should care less about the behaviors of others, and keep my opinions to myself. i do not see that expectation resembling reality any day soon, and i will have to once again learn to let go of the various behaviors that arise from my character defects.
"the peace and tranquility we experience during my quiet times confirms that my most important needs my spiritual needs are being met.
i are able to empathize with other addicts and strengthen my conscience in the process. i learn to avoid judging others and experience the freedom to be myself."
so the solution to my dilemma lies in the entry for today. go back to the source of my recovery, ask for knowledge and listen quietly for the answer. it is not an inherent part of my being, to seek answers from a force beyond my five senses and it is a necessary part of my program to learn to expand who i am and what i believe. that process can only occur if i allow it to happen. yes i may be pissy at someone, and perhaps will temporarily ex them from my life -- well actually probably ex them from my life. that is for their protection not mine, my job is to learn once again how to let go of my expectations of myself, others and the world in general, and to return to the spiritual path of recovery.
kind of nice how these two readings go together in this addict’s life. there must be a power greater than me at work here, i just need to let that work be done!
∞ DT ∞