Blog entry for:

to build lasting friendships. a topic, near and dear to my heart today, and one that provides a bit of a tangent into a not so related set of events.
so what does it take? once upon a time, i one of the men i sponsored, used to whine about getting “closer” to me. he never asked what it took to get closer to me, and when i think back, never asked me how i was doing, just texted or phoned me for no reason at all, or even made any effort to get to know me. it was all strictly business between us, and i kept it that way. i really do not have a set of criteria on who becomes my friend and who does not. i was not always so open. in fact there were several external factors, i used to weigh, before i would even consider friendship, the first being they use like i do?
when i got clean, it became are they in recovery? i developed many friendships on that basis alone, and some of them are still very deep and abiding ones. most of those went by the wayside across the course of the days. these days, there must be some criteria, but i am clueless as to what it is, as i “feel” my way to make new friendships and part of that process is how i “feel” after interacting with them. if i feel “slimed,” “gamed,” or “charmed“ i generally do not form any sort of desire to be a friend to that person. it is not a question of value or worth, it just is a natural aversion that come from a totally emotional reaction to the situation. those interactions do not preclude a friendship in the future,m but they certainly set the course for the here and now. there is another person, with whom i would like to be a friend with, but for whatever reason they are resistant, covert and fearful. my heart says keep pushing, even though my head says, enough. that dissonance sucks, because what i want and what i need are at odds. i want to walk away and yet for some reason i NEED to keep pushing on. no rhyme, no reason and certainly no peace when it comes to this relationship, so today, i just let it be.
which brings me to a totally unrelated topic. yesterday on the FaceBook, i posted a pet peeve about someone who obviously had the means to go buy 8 bottles of water from a grocery store, but CHOSE to order eight (8) extra-large (Trente) iced waters from StarBucks, and paid nothing in the way of a gratuity to the barista that had to stop and fill his non-order. this morning one of my FaceBook “friends” suggested that maybe he did not have the means to do so. i was in the process of starting a flame war, when i realized there will always be apologists for bad behavior. i did not need to attack her, because she sees the world less cynically than me, and sees the rainbow or daisy that is in the pile shite that is right before one's eyes. i am not one who makes apologies for the bad or less than stellar behavior of others, as the program of recovery has taught me to take responsibility for my actions. do i tip every single time i get a beverage from StarBucks? no i do not. i can rationalize and justify that away, HOWEVER, when i get something for nothing, i always give the person who has served me a token of my appreciation, their company may be buying my beverage, but they are doing the work to fill my order. Ryan Lochte, a spoiled self-entitled brat that would rather blame a third world nation than take responsibility for being a douche-bag a$$hole. his apologies ring hollow today and seem a move made out of the desperation of losing his endorsements. honestly i can say i WILL never buy any product i see him endorsing.
okay now that my vents are done, what does it take for me to be your friend? i can say i am truly puzzled by that question and as this whole set of steps has been about finding my social butterfly wings, i can say that i NEED to be present, show concern, and be patient, as just like me, my possible new friends, may need some time to allow me into their lives. i cannot buy, bully, wish or charm myself into their lives, i have to give them what i myself require, respect and unconditional love. if i want friends i have to be a friend, not just act friendly. most of all i have to follow my heart and let my head go where it wants to, it is feeling that is more important n this arena, just for today.

∞ DT ∞