Blog entry for:

take recovery for granted. okay. i often say recovery is more than just not using substances, and i am serious when i say that. the fact that i believe there is more to recovery, than being a member of the “No Matter What Club,” is a reflection on the gifts i have received, as a result of a few days clean and what i do to foster my recovery on a daily basis. the desire to use was lifted from me, almost a year before i decided to become a member and commit to my recovery. as a result, i often forget what it was like, back in the days, when all i was, was abstinent. i forget the desperation i felt when i wondered if i was ever going to get those promises that i heard repeated time and again. i wondered hoe my peers to be, could stay clean when all they had was abstinence. as a result, i plotted and planned my return to using, what one might call a relapse but what i would order to say was just following the natural order of things, addicts use, it is as simple as that. even when i thought i was finally ready to take the plunge, i still had serious reservations about how far i would go in the program and was certain that the day was fast arriving that i would use again. that day has yet to come, and it seems less and less likely that i will decide that today is that day.
because of my reservations and misunderstanding of what life in recovery was, i share about more than the gift of staying clean, when i carry the message of recovery. staying clean is great, do not get me wrong. there are sorts of benefits form just staying clean, i have more money, i can be more honest and when that cop gets behind me, the only thing i have to worry about is what traffic rule have is just “fractured?” IF that was all i got, i sincerely doubt i would still be clean today. after all, addiction is all about more, and i want more of what recovery has given me: more serenity, more self-esteem, and more being comfortable with who and what i am. i have desires and need and often mix them up. i have the DESIRE to stay clean today but the lack the power to do so. i have the desire to be whole, genuine and self-assured and IF i was using, i doubt that desire would ever be met. for me, recovery is not a zero sum game and i do not suffer from unmet and ever increasing expectations, most of the time. each day i stay clean and do what i can to implement a program of recovery, things inside me, get a little bit better. i have yet to arrive at a spot of diminishing returns, it seems that each day i get better, the world around me gets a little better as well. sure i live in turbulent times and yet that turbulence affects me less and less, on a personal and spiritual basis, it is as if, recovery has taught me to render unto Cæsar, his due and leave the rest on the table.
am i responsible for all the gifts i have been given> in a sense yes. i CHOOSE to admit i am an addict. i CHOOSE to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to give me the power to stay clean. i CHOOSE to implement a program of recovery on a daily basis. and i CHOOSE to let others know that there is so much more beyond the ”No Matter What Club.” with that in mind, i think i will wrap this up and head on down to another day at work, a gift of recovery because i GET to earn a living today.

∞ DT ∞