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from living in my expectations, after all, am i not ENTITLED to the world spinning just the way i want it to!?
just to give everyone a clue., i wholeheartedly agree with this statement from our literature: expectations equal premeditated resentments. following down that line of thought, then self-pity is just a resentment against everything in the world that fails to live up to those expectations. i can honestly say that there is very little in this world these days , that could live up to my expectations. from drivers who sit in traffic lanes trying to turn left without using their turn signal to people unsatisfied with the election results, but decided not to vote as some sort of “protest”, i witness this shite day in and day out and if i allowed my expectations of a courteous kind, semi-altrusitic world, where everyone was present for exactly what they are doing in real-rime, i would have had to take some drastic action a very long time ago. in a society where everyone is trying to keep from getting their itsy-bitsy feelings hurt and a society that encourages “softening the blow” and building self-esteem through rewarding everyone for just showing up, any exp0-ectaiuon is have of others taking responsibility for their own lives and striving to be something more are certainly pipe dreams. after all, why should i try and be better when just showing up is good enough?
quite honestly, if i applied that standard to my recovery i would be “more” clean than i was when i first walked into the rooms when thirty days or so of abstinence was “good enough” for me. i am grateful, that when i finally got clean there were members present that did not spare my feelings and cut through the bullsh!t. i was lying to myself and i was lying to the fellowship, most of all i was caving into my FEAR that i could not face the cold, cruel world without a little sumthin', sumthin' to “take the edge off.”
so here i am many days later, looking at what me realistic expectations are for myself and thew world around me. for the addict who said they were “more” clean than they were a year ago, i am certain that those old-timers would have taken them aside and said that coming to meetings is great, now stop fVcking using in between those daily meetings. in other words, keep coming back, BUT come back CLEAN! my expectation of that addict? they will keep using until they either get locked up or covered up, as they seem to lack the willingness to feel the pain of THE real life experience. as long as someone is supporting them financially and emotionally, by buying into their addiction, they are as doomed as i was, in my first seven months “around” the program.
yes i get a bit worked up when i see those who will not listen and stay clean. who do not seem to care that the one with the most white key-tags, does NOT win, and lives in a world of self-pity. been there, done that got the “T-shirt,” and finally gave it up and surrendered to the notion that i had no answers and what i was looking for was being freely offered to me, if i chose to listen. do i have expectations today? well this is where the cynic kicks in. when i drive i can be certain that someone will cut me off to get into that 2 car length space i have created for safety; i can be certain that someone will be driving five miles under the speed limit in the left lane, and i can be certain that someone will flip on their turn signal and do an instant merge into the lane i am in. on days any or all of those do not occur, i get a little smile in my heart. when they do, oh well, that is just the way things are, there is no reason for me for me to blow a gasket or decide i need to use over the way things are in the world. almost clean is not good enough for me. nearly recovering is far from acceptable and yes, by the way, if one cannot stay clean, one more than likely NEVER had any recovery, IF there was something there, one would stay clean. working a ninety-ten program or rationalizing self-interest in the bidness world is not what i am all about today.
i am fairly certain the world is how it is, and no amount of grease on my part is going to change oit. i am also certain that IF i take responsibility for doing the next right thing, i will get another day clean. it is quite true that i am not responsible for my addiction, but i am responsible for my recovery, just for today.

BTW -- HAVE A GRATEful THANKSGIVING, ONE AND ALL, may all your expectations for this day be met!

∞ DT ∞