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ironically, when i first considered this topic this morning, what came to mind first was the fact that when i was in active addiction, the only remorse i felt was when i was caught doing something that i **should** have not been doing in the first place. even then, it was was when i could not explain away of blame something or someone else for **making** me do it. it is not that i am so much better now, but i certainly can see the point of the reading that remorse and guilt are excellent paths to finding a way to forgive myself. i could just parrot the reading, i do however probably need to go another direction. before i get to much further down this new rabbit hole:

Ronald B,
TWELVE (12) years clean!
Congrats my ‘step’ brother on doing this gig, just for today.

so yes, the reading took me back to where i was, uncaring, unfeeling and certainly very close to amoral. well amoral is more than a bit of hyperbole, i certainly had values, warped and twisted, but morals all the same and they revolved around me and me getting what i thought was mine. entitlement was not the word that i used, as i believed it was my due. looking back from the comfort of some clean time, i can see life in that conscience-free and morally suspect world was far from comfortable for me, but i was resigned to doing what i thought i NEEDED to do, to get what was mine by divine right.
getting clean, as difficult as it was for me, was nothing compared to the pain of realizing what i had become and how my living affected the world around me. i may not have been a monster decimating all that i saw, but i certainly infected those around me with the virus of my ill-will and my need to take, take, take. last night at the meeting, one of my peers shared how hesitant they were to reach out to others for help. i too, am in that same sort of space, because in active addiction, IF i chose to do something for someone else, there was always an obligation, an expectation and a huge string attached to that favor. it took a few step cycles before i realized how destructive that was to me and to those with whom i share my life. this morning, i will step out into the world, with the uppermost thought being, what can i do today to make myself a bit more fit for human company and to be okay with what i uncover.

∞ DT ∞