Blog entry for:

clean up the damage i have done, but more importantly, change my behavior to limit that damage in the future? the short answer, which i never am happy giving, is yes, of course i am. here is where i could add all the caveats and bells and whistles to that answer, but this morning i, as i sat, i heard a different drummer beating and need to write about that.
having reached a decision about my service to the fellowship yesterday, i feel remorse this morning. i feel that stepping away is the next right thing to do, and do not believe that i need to go out with a bang. there was a part of me that has always held tightly my “service to the fellowship identity,” and that service committee was the last one i was a part of, for quite some time. with all the dips and bumps in my current life, and the bruising my self-confidence has been taking in my less than satisfactory job search, this feels as if it could be the final straw that breaks this camel's back. i know i will survive and not having to go back and make amends to someone or to all the committee members because i drop a bomb on my way out, is certainly a good thing, for me and for them. the decisions i reached is certainly not the one i desired. it feels as if i am giving up and allowing surrendering to the sort of evil that pervades the conservative movement in America these days. i am not attacking a demagogue nor pointing out their feet of clay, i am just slipping away to allow those behind me to take care of what needs to be done, instead of being a distraction.
moving on, i also felt that perhaps i need to take inventory of some of my relationships in the fellowship and see them for what they are. those men for whom i am a S.ponsor I.n N.ame O.nly, probably need to smell the coffee and figure out what they need to do. for me, i know that i can let go and allow them to be who they are, whether or not they ever work another step or ever give me a call. i also know that if they CHOOSE to actually take some initiative and alter their course of action, that i can be there for them. this is certainly a place of acceptance for me, as i seem to have skipped a couple of steps and am working on how to make my amends to by Dad. there is a shit ton of remorse there and it does need to be released with the help of my sponsor. with all of that weighing on my mind and my coding assignment not getting completed yesterday, i almost feels as if i need to skip my home group. a wise member once told me, however, when i am making excuses not to go to a meeting then i NEED to go! so it is off to Boulder and into this day, a bit clearer and certainly ready to see what i can accomplish.

∞ DT ∞