Blog entry for:

in the mess that brought me to recovery, is complicated. as i sat this morning, this reading brought up the various ways i use remorse in my life. i have worked a few sets of steps and most of that crap has been dealt with and put into its proper perspective. even so, i can use remorse as a tool to keep me from treading on the toes of those in my life, or as a weapon to pound myself into submission. it has taken both forms and i find the tool a whole lot more desirable than the weaponized form. as much as i like to think i am **better** than that these days, i still find myself slipping into bouts of regret and yes remorse about the version of me, that walked into the rooms. moving on…

Ronald B,
THIRTEEN (13) years clean!
Congrats my brother.
Thank you for being a part of my recovery journey.

as i sit here this morning, the topic of remorse has slipped off the top of the stack and what i realize is that for some reason, one that i am sure i could uncover if i tried to, i have let go of a few things that people in my life are seriously obsessing about. it is true, i have my concerns about the topics they are spinning down about. generally i would be joining their feeding frenzy, but i am unnaturally calm and accepting of the issue that are consuming them. it is not that somehow i am “better” than they are or more spiritual, it is just that, for right now, i feel “okay” allowing this stuff to be processed in the background.
what am i getting nervous about? i have yet to hear about the results of my lab test from last week. i am dealing with a coworker who seems to have a major memory leak. i am concerned about whether or not my travel plans will be cancelled because of the Corona virus. oh yeah, did i get scammed for $2400 on Air B&B. on and on about stuff that i have no control over. even as i write this, i feel my need to spin about all of that diminishing once again. it is probably churning around in the background, but just for today, it is not occupying my conscious self. accepting i am okay with what i cannot control, is certainly a good way to start my day and chances are i will have no remorse about wasting my time on worrying about stuff that is out of my power to control.

∞ DT ∞