Blog entry for:

to deal with what is bothering me, the more i use this process the more i will trust it.
and i am on my third set of steps, step six for those of you who happen to be just tuning in, and the only reason i am going through the process of the sixth step, heinous as it is, is because i know that step seven is on the other side. i have hope that this process, the sixth step that is, is not only necessary, but something i want to do. yes i know that wants and needs are two different things, but for me it is quite a joy when i can align my wants to my needs, for you see, i believe i will always get what i need regardless of whether i want it or not. that is just the way things seem to work for this addict. and of course i have wandered far away from the central thesis of this morning’s reading and into a whole new realm. the reason for that? well this morning i hardly feel recovered or anything more than just a garden variety addict who happens to be in recovery. i do not desire to be recovered this morning, nor do i want to be anywhere else, and that is also quite serendipitous. the very fact that i am aligned to something more, perhaps my HIGHER POWER’s will for me, is yet another example of how this whole recovery gig can and does work. i find it quite ironic that when a newcomer sees me, they have trouble believing what an angry f*cking mess i was when i walked into the rooms. and as i trip back to those days through my hazy memories, i had that problem also. those people who had years of recovery way back when could not have been as messed-up as i was. after all there is no way in hell an addict like me can stop using for more than my sentence from the justice system, and yet here i am almost seven and half years after getting off paper, musing about life in recovery, still abstinent and working through the twelve steps for my third time, now that is truly ironic!
anyhow, yes i have hope that i can be something more, more of the man i want to be, more of the person i was meant to be, one more day without using and just a little bit more better than i was yesterday. i have FAITH that all of that is possible just for today.

∞ DT ∞