Blog entry for:
Wed, Jul 18, 2007 10:23:44 AM
∞ desperation is what finally drives me to ask for help. ∞
posted: Wed, Jul 18, 2007 10:23:44 AM
once i have reached this state, i can turn around and start anew.
pondering my state of desperation now and then is always a study in contrasts, which i believe i have done before. so instead of rehashing the past, i will focus on my current state of desperation. i am sure what drives me today is would appear less than desperate to a newcomer, after all, i have not had the desire to use for quite some time. when i got clean, this whole gig was about not using, well actually it was about getting my ass out of the justice system, and getting my old life back. that changed to just staying clean, and once i accepted that i was powerless, and my condition seemed hopeless, i was ready to finally see how desperate i was to stay clean. that also changed, and today my desperation, while not as obvious and not as nearly overwhelming centers around learning a new way to live. integrating my life to fit recovery has not been an easy task, and it does not get any easier after a few more days clean. so just what does desperation look like today? well for one, it is the sinking feeling that i am not doing something like this whole recovery gig correctly, and as a result the whole life that has been given me will just crumble into ruins, because i will use again. i have become quite attached to this new manner of living, well mostly the gifts that have been given to me, material gifts, physical gifts, emotional gifts and spiritual gifts. i realize that gifts are a result of staying clean and doing my best to apply the spiritual principles of the program to my living situation. still there is an uncertain unease that creeps in from time to time, and i find myself dwelling on that particular feeling, blowing it way out of proportion. today just does not happen to be one of those days, today i am way stressed about getting things accomplished, meeting my commitments and getting some things done. and that is exactly what i will do -- get some of the stuff off my desk! perhaps later i will have time to dwell on my feelings and see what is really going on. or maybe not, we will just have to see!
pondering my state of desperation now and then is always a study in contrasts, which i believe i have done before. so instead of rehashing the past, i will focus on my current state of desperation. i am sure what drives me today is would appear less than desperate to a newcomer, after all, i have not had the desire to use for quite some time. when i got clean, this whole gig was about not using, well actually it was about getting my ass out of the justice system, and getting my old life back. that changed to just staying clean, and once i accepted that i was powerless, and my condition seemed hopeless, i was ready to finally see how desperate i was to stay clean. that also changed, and today my desperation, while not as obvious and not as nearly overwhelming centers around learning a new way to live. integrating my life to fit recovery has not been an easy task, and it does not get any easier after a few more days clean. so just what does desperation look like today? well for one, it is the sinking feeling that i am not doing something like this whole recovery gig correctly, and as a result the whole life that has been given me will just crumble into ruins, because i will use again. i have become quite attached to this new manner of living, well mostly the gifts that have been given to me, material gifts, physical gifts, emotional gifts and spiritual gifts. i realize that gifts are a result of staying clean and doing my best to apply the spiritual principles of the program to my living situation. still there is an uncertain unease that creeps in from time to time, and i find myself dwelling on that particular feeling, blowing it way out of proportion. today just does not happen to be one of those days, today i am way stressed about getting things accomplished, meeting my commitments and getting some things done. and that is exactly what i will do -- get some of the stuff off my desk! perhaps later i will have time to dwell on my feelings and see what is really going on. or maybe not, we will just have to see!
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
desparation 390 words ➥ Sunday, July 18, 2004 by: donnotω using a gift ω 294 words ➥ Monday, July 18, 2005 by: donnot
∞ my best efforts at control had only worn me out, hence, i became willing to surrender ∞ 325 words ➥ Tuesday, July 18, 2006 by: donnot
↔ it was the desperation i felt that compelled me to accept the First Step. ↔ 512 words ➥ Friday, July 18, 2008 by: donnot
∞ my insanity had finally risen higher than my wall of denial, forcing me to get honest about my disease ∞ 197 words ➥ Saturday, July 18, 2009 by: donnot
¹ when i think of being desperate, i envision an undesirable state … 504 words ➥ Sunday, July 18, 2010 by: donnot
± desperation is what finally drove me to ask for help ± 740 words ➥ Monday, July 18, 2011 by: donnot
¹ the gift of desperation has helped me become honest, open-minded, and willing ¹ 641 words ➥ Wednesday, July 18, 2012 by: donnot
∏ my addiction always resurfaced or continued to progress until, ∏ 491 words ➥ Thursday, July 18, 2013 by: donnot
∫ just as the desperate, hunted animal seeks a safe haven, ∫ 260 words ➥ Friday, July 18, 2014 by: donnot
§ just as the desperate, § 353 words ➥ Saturday, July 18, 2015 by: donnot
∤ a poor, ∦ 745 words ➥ Monday, July 18, 2016 by: donnot
🞛 i was frantically 🞠 702 words ➥ Tuesday, July 18, 2017 by: donnot
🚀 the gift of desperation 🚀 583 words ➥ Wednesday, July 18, 2018 by: donnot
😕 my best efforts 😖 520 words ➥ Thursday, July 18, 2019 by: donnot
🌤 something sorely needed 🌥 625 words ➥ Saturday, July 18, 2020 by: donnot
🐗 a poor, 😰 502 words ➥ Sunday, July 18, 2021 by: donnot
🙈 the wall 🙉 509 words ➥ Monday, July 18, 2022 by: donnot
🌰 growth 🌺 568 words ➥ Tuesday, July 18, 2023 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 2
1) There is nothing in the world more soft and weak than water, and
yet for attacking things that are firm and strong there is nothing
that can take precedence of it;--for there is nothing (so effectual)
for which it can be changed.