Blog entry for:

whose will for me is better than anything i can con, manipulate, or devise for myself. no matter what i think today! the emphasis is important for me, since i have already been out shopping this morning, well not out of the house, but i did buy myself a new and shiny toy. ’tis the season after all!
the reading speaks of surrender, and i have always had more than a bit of difficulty with this term. i was taught and carried into recovery with me, that the notion of surrender in any form was a sign of weakness, hence my actions were always geared toward winning, no matter what the cost. that attitude nearly killed me in early recovery, and may still serve as an entry point for a future relapse. the reality of this whole argument, is that i had already surrendered to my active addiction and had come to a point of accepting that i would use until the end of my life. so when i came to recovery, i had built up quite the denial system to maintain the illusion that i was still in control of my using and that my acceptance of being a user to my dying day was just a choice i made. nice piece of work when you can get it! breaking down the walls of denial with the FIRST STEP finally got me to accept that if i wanted to recover, i would have to alter the belief system i brought with me into my recovery.
these days, my belief system allows for the possibility that a better life for me awaits if i surrender my life and my will into the care of a HIGHER POWER. the rub is however, that sometimes things are not moving in a direction that is acceptable to me, or some things i want are not readily available to me. when that happens i fall back on my learned behaviors of manipulating and forcing my will on the world around me. everything i know and accept about who and what is really in charge flies out the window and i run through my day like a bull in a china shop, damaging everything and everyone in my path. hardly living in accordance to the spiritual principles and values that i supposedly have accepted to live by. being human, i see that is what i will always do, and it sounds as if there is no hope for me at all. well there actually is hope, i do not do this as often as i used to. most of the time, i see the evidence that there is a POWER working in my life that does provide me the means to thrive, and the means to recover yet another day. learning to accept the pace of the change in my life, and the speed at which i am given the things i want is quite a lesson in patience and FAITH. ah, the old "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak," paradigm…
so readings like this, liberally sprinkled through my annual cycle are more that just a reminder about how i choose to live, they are actually tiny little alarm clocks going off to remind me to look at the evidence of what happens when i live in self-will and what happens when i surrender. that evidence screams that surrendering is a better path than self-will, all i have to do is let go and see what happens, after all i did not get here yesterday. so off to face the reality of what i need to do today and let go of what i think i want to do today, yes i have a plan, time to see if it aligns with that of my HIGHER POWER and accept the results!

∞ DT ∞