Blog entry for:

even in recovery, i find myself manipulating everyone around us in a frenzied attempt to get something from them. if that is not bad enough, i hear myself rationalizing that behavior by looking around me and finding other members doing the exact same thing. not a whole bunch of hope there, but hang on, perhaps i can get through the ugly part and into the real point of what i heard this morning.
as i sat listening to my breathing and heart beat this morning, i was struck with a sense of awe for what i see as a gift. i once saw my abilities to con by omission, and to manipulate and instigate others into acting towards my ends, nefarious or not, as a set of skills that i was lucky to possess. after all. if i did not control those others into doing my will, someone else would, and i would not get what i wanted, and what i wanted was the most important thing in the world. so when in early and not so early recovery, i found that even clean, i could still access this finely tuned set of skills, i was ecstatic to say the least. now i could channel this into good, and fix the fellowship, the group, other members and the world in general, and off i set to tilt at windmills.
a funny as in ironic thing happened, my first set of steps left me with a nagging sense that this was not exactly stellar behavior, and my second 6th Step nailed this to the wall. the gift i have been given, that i was awestruck with this morning is this, although i still have the capability to use this ski;;, i no longer have the desire, most of the time. because i generally lack the desire, i need to cushion my ego by rationalizing my behavior, or better put LIE TO MYSELF SO I CAN ACTING IN THIS MANNER. when i catch myself telling myself lies, i know that i am, have or about to step into this and at that moment i have a choice whether to continue or just plain stop. that is the gift, the ability to sense and stop my less than spiritual behaviors in whatever state they happen to be. that gift comes from the footwork i have done, and was given and continues to be given by the FORCE that keeps me clean and provides for all my needs. i came to recovery with a conscience that had all but been destroyed by years of mind-numbing substance use, and to have that conscience restored is amazing.
the HOPE? well, if a person like me, who depended so completely on a set of behaviors, can recognize and have the desire to live without them, then anyone can. i am no longer stuck being who i was, and while the past has made me the man i am today, it is not who i will be tomorrow, after all, if allow the process to continue, i will be one day closer to becoming the man i have always wanted to be. that man no longer needs to manipulate and control outcomes as he is assured that whatever happens is part of what needs to happen, just for today.

∞ DT ∞