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i manipulated everyone around me in a frenzied attempt to get something from them. in the process, i keep myself from experiencing the serenity that comes with surrender to the will of a HIGHER POWER.
okay, you grammar freaks out there, there was a change in tense between those last two sentences. as i sat here, deeply thinking,, i thought of something my sponsor often says, namely if i am still practicing some less than desirable behavior it is hardly an "old" behavior, regardless of how i want to spin it. manipulating people and situations to get the outcome i desire, is one behavior i would dearly love to move totally and irrevocably into that category pf old behaviors. most of the time, it is there, but …
… the reading is not about behaviors or defects, but spoke to me about my need to control, my fear of outcomes, and how i am afraid to live in FAITH, that a POWER GREATER THAN ME can take care of my will and my life. of course this goes backs to my grudging acceptance of the whole mystical and divine gig, that i came to in early recovery. my so-called accommodation of intellect with the spiritual nature of the recovery journey upon which i have embarked. it is true, that most of the time i can live comfortably in FAITH, that more is going on than my paltry senses and intellect can detect, much less analyze. HOWEVER, there are days when FAITH and TRUST wane, and i find myself back in the same boat, as i was all those days ago, struggling to make some sort of intellectual sense of the spiritual side of recovery and wanting to back slide into a doubting state.
so what does it all mean? what is the meaning of life, the universe and everything? where can i go in gardenia? questions, questions, questions, and very few answers. the sense that i get at this moment is i can either live in FAITH and TRUST that the program is working on the physical plane as well as in the spiritual realm, and move forward. or just pitch it as a wonderful experience, and move on to something different. so at this fork in the road, i wonder if there is anything else out there, that can provide the means for me to become what i have become? there is always therapy and the thousands of dollars it would take for someone to determine that i love my mother and hate my father --NO THAN YOU! there are all sorts of religious paths that can fill me with the zeal i need to stay clean, but i am certain that because of the nature of those paths, i would soon be wanting something more. there is always willpower and stubbornness, but that never worked in the past. so after all those possibilities, i come back to the path that has brought me to the place where i can even be contemplating this, namely twelve step recovery.
arriving back where i started is not really a bad thing, in fact it is quite comforting, at least here i have the freedom to choose what the face of my concept of a HIGHER POWER is. any control comes from inside me, and not imposed by an outside authority, which for me is quite comforting. so on those days where i fall into this particular trap, it is me, who needs a quick trip through the second step, so i8 can once again be secure in the knowledge that i am on the right path and that it is my choice to be here. so on that HOPEFUL note i will sign off and go hit the pavement.

∞ DT ∞