μ it hurts like never before. but i do not relapse. μ
Posted: Mon, Nov 17, 2008 11:50:45 AM
then one day i wake up, take a deep breath,and know that it really does pass. i have yet to die from a feeling, even those so-called bad ones. yes when i am in the throes of a feeling, it feels like sh!t. it feels like it will never change. the part of me i call my addict lies to me and says, that there is a way to fix this, and the option of using all of a sudden looks far more attractive to me than the option of recovery. it is here where my life is at the most risk. oh yeah,, i would love to say, that i never ever reach this point. that would be part of the lie that the addict within wants me to believe, after all, if i do believe this lie, then when i feel feelings the next conclusion is that this whole recovery gig is not working, and if it is not working than i might as well give in and get some relief.
so honestly, what is my strategy when this lie is whispered into my overactive mind? well for me, it consists of acting as if. as if, what? as if all i desire today is to stay clean one more day, when in reality all i really want to do, is to make the feeling end. after all, that was part of my active addiction, if i did not like feeling the way i was, i could suppress, numb and otherwise obliterate a feeling from my conscious life, with a quick fix.
the as if has sustained me through the times that felt dark, too dark to go on, and without relief in sight. what i have discovered is relief is always in sight, i am just blind to the light and it is my FAITH that in the long run this too shall pass, that keeps me going.
so today, after a long service meeting, i am finally coming out of my stupor and getting ready to move forward in my day. life is good and certainly unpredictable, my task is to get some work done and clean-up what i need to clean-up. so back to the rat race, and i will be back tomorrow.
so honestly, what is my strategy when this lie is whispered into my overactive mind? well for me, it consists of acting as if. as if, what? as if all i desire today is to stay clean one more day, when in reality all i really want to do, is to make the feeling end. after all, that was part of my active addiction, if i did not like feeling the way i was, i could suppress, numb and otherwise obliterate a feeling from my conscious life, with a quick fix.
the as if has sustained me through the times that felt dark, too dark to go on, and without relief in sight. what i have discovered is relief is always in sight, i am just blind to the light and it is my FAITH that in the long run this too shall pass, that keeps me going.
so today, after a long service meeting, i am finally coming out of my stupor and getting ready to move forward in my day. life is good and certainly unpredictable, my task is to get some work done and clean-up what i need to clean-up. so back to the rat race, and i will be back tomorrow.
∞ DT ∞