โซ my insides feel as though they have been torched. just when the pain becomes unbearable โซ
Posted: Tue, Nov 17, 2009 07:39:28 AM
i go numb and silent. **it will pass,** i tell myself. well, this is one of those little bon mots, that although i loath hearing, i do understand and that has got me through the most painful situation that i have faced in recovery. what i heard this morning besides the cliché was that just for today, i do not have to use no matter what. as i was answering the questions in the step guide last night i came across something a bit surprising, a thought, a reservation, or something along the lines of do i have FAITH and TRUST in the fellowship? that is certainly an interesting question, and the answer is even more so: most of the time. to say anything else would be a lie, baldfaced or not. this morning, right here and right now, i can unequivocally state that i have that FAITH. this morning has already presented one surprise, but in the long and short run it is nothing to use over, or even think about using over, or for that matter giving any more of my time and energy over to.
this is one of those readings, that i can say natch -- it is about patience and perseverance, and that is quite true. this is also one of those readings that although intellectually sound, it is easy to dismiss until one has been in one of these dark periods. more than once, i have been there, and sometimes it seemed like it would never end. the last one, a few years ago, commenced about the time of this reading and lasted until March. it is true, it just might have been a manifestation of my Seasonally Affected Depression, even if that is the case, it took great FAITH to keep doing what i was doing namely going to meetings, working with my sponsor, working with the men who call me their sponsor and generally not using no matter what. it did pass, after what felt like an eternity, but this morning i am grateful for periods l9ike that. they remind me to keep the FAITH and allow the program to work, and just hang in there, because like everything else, whatever i am feeling, it will pass. so off to the streets for a quickie.
this is one of those readings, that i can say natch -- it is about patience and perseverance, and that is quite true. this is also one of those readings that although intellectually sound, it is easy to dismiss until one has been in one of these dark periods. more than once, i have been there, and sometimes it seemed like it would never end. the last one, a few years ago, commenced about the time of this reading and lasted until March. it is true, it just might have been a manifestation of my Seasonally Affected Depression, even if that is the case, it took great FAITH to keep doing what i was doing namely going to meetings, working with my sponsor, working with the men who call me their sponsor and generally not using no matter what. it did pass, after what felt like an eternity, but this morning i am grateful for periods l9ike that. they remind me to keep the FAITH and allow the program to work, and just hang in there, because like everything else, whatever i am feeling, it will pass. so off to the streets for a quickie.
∞ DT ∞