i never have to use again, no matter how i feel
Posted: Wed, Nov 17, 2010 08:53:37 AM
all feelings will eventually pass. as cold as it sounds, it has been true in my experience that i have never dies from a feeling. it is my reaction to feelings where i get into trouble. the passion that i feel these days, comes from the years and tears of not allowing myself to feel, it sometimes feels like i am on the newcomer roller-coaster once more. it sometimes feels like a good idea to ignore or do something to make the feeling go away. it sometimes feels counter-intuitive to allow my feelings to run their course, despite all that, i know the best course of action is to nothing and just let them wash over me and see what happens next.
knowing this intellectually and putting this into practice are worlds apart, the former comes from what i have been told and the evidence in front of me, the latter however is learning to live a program of active recovery. this morning, i am having trouble focusing on the message, which is not that unusual, as this is one of those concepts that create no apparent discord within me, when i am presented with it. i know that is a function of having been through the experience of intense and painful feelings, and coming out with my clean-time and recovery intact. so what else is going on?
well, for one, i certainly do not feel like doing any work today. for another i am having trouble doing as suggested, making the transition into STEP THREE on a purely intuitive basis, no planning, no plotting no deciding on what a desirable outcome may be. this exercise in FAITH, is trying my patience, and even though it has been less than a week since sitting down with my sponsor and completing the STEP TWO process, i feel as if i should have moved further along. i know, “i am right where i am supposed to be!”
i guess, that i will go hit the shower after stretching a bit, fire up my letter writing engine and get the stuff on my desk taken care of, before i go hit the cigar store this morning. it feels like that is the next right thing to do.
knowing this intellectually and putting this into practice are worlds apart, the former comes from what i have been told and the evidence in front of me, the latter however is learning to live a program of active recovery. this morning, i am having trouble focusing on the message, which is not that unusual, as this is one of those concepts that create no apparent discord within me, when i am presented with it. i know that is a function of having been through the experience of intense and painful feelings, and coming out with my clean-time and recovery intact. so what else is going on?
well, for one, i certainly do not feel like doing any work today. for another i am having trouble doing as suggested, making the transition into STEP THREE on a purely intuitive basis, no planning, no plotting no deciding on what a desirable outcome may be. this exercise in FAITH, is trying my patience, and even though it has been less than a week since sitting down with my sponsor and completing the STEP TWO process, i feel as if i should have moved further along. i know, “i am right where i am supposed to be!”
i guess, that i will go hit the shower after stretching a bit, fire up my letter writing engine and get the stuff on my desk taken care of, before i go hit the cigar store this morning. it feels like that is the next right thing to do.
∞ DT ∞